“We cannot continue like this! This has to stop! Preposterous!” the bespectacled man shouted as he hurriedly approached Baba Risi. Behind him was his a woman in very colourful skirt and blouse, complete with sunglasses and an equally colourful bag. Upon closer inspection, Baba Risi saw that it was an assortment of carefully selected okrika wears from Tejuosho market.
“Oga, which one be all this big big grammar now? Wetin happen?” Baba Risi asked. It was a slow day in court but he didn’t mind. His Alaba marketer had paid good money for the video of Wizkid, Davido and Pasuma and so he could afford to be relaxed on some days. But these ones now were a rude intrusion. And husband and wife matters were usually the most annoying to settle.
“Baba Risi, it is this woman. I don’t know whether I am the man in the house or her. Because she controls everything in the house and it’s quarrel when I want to even take small control. And it’s my money we used to buy the things o!”
Baba Risi shook his head. Inside all the plenty talk the man just downloaded, he hadn’t mentioned the specific issue that brought them gangan. Husband and wife palaver. He turned to the wife. “Ngbo, what did you do to your husband? Why is he so pained that he is remembering how much he paid for bride price?”
“Please help me ask him o, because I don’t know. Is it a crime to enjoy myself in my husband’s house again?” she responded with an accent Baba Risi could not place. When she spoke, she did so with over the top gesticulations and hand movements.
“The thing has entered your body, see you wearing multi color like Joseph the dreamer and talking and waving your hands like your role models!” the man shouted.
“You don’t know nattin. You see what I’m wearing and can’t appreciate. What international stars are wearing. And for your information, I’m going to change my name soon!’ She shouted back.
Baba Risi shook his head “Will you two tell me what brought you here now or gerrout and go back home to continue your quarrel?” he bellowed.
Subdued by Baba Risi’s commanding voice, the husband responded “this woman wants to turn us all into Telemundo. From morning to night, it’s Telemundo is the house. The name I know her as when I married her is Omolola. Now, if I don’t call her LowLar, she won’t respond. My name is Joseph. But na lie, she will not call me the name my parents gave me. Now, it’s Jose Ignatio that she calls me. Our son’s name is Edward, she now calls him Edwardito. And then all these clothes she now wears nko? If someone dies in Telemundo, we won’t hear word in the house, it’s like a relative has died. Which kind of palapala is that?”
“En en. If I love Telemundo nko? Abeg, park well. If season start now, will I hear word about Chelsea? Oga Baba Risi, our house, the whole flat is painted blue. When my husband wants to talk about Chelsea, he will be saying they bought a player as if his ten kobo is inside the money. And if Chelsea loses a match, food that I spent time and energy to cook will just waste. For days, he will be moody and we will all be walking egg shells around him. And we understood. Now, he refuses to understand my own Telemundo.”
“Madaaaaaaaaaaam, how can you compare football with your soapy Telemundo? Come on!” the man said, rolling his eyes.
“En, wetin be the difference? She dey carry Telemundo for head, you dey carry premiership for head. As she dey buy Telemundo cloth, no be so you dey buy jersey? Make I ask, if match dey, she dey near the remote?” Baba Risi said
“Ah, dem no born me o!” the woman responded.
“But na football nau!” the man responded, sounding defeated.
“Okay, make I judge this una matter sharparly. Since both Telemundo and Premiership dey cause wahala for una house, make una no watch any of the two again. So madam, no Telemundo for you, and oga, no Premiership for you again.”
“Ah, Baba Risi, which kain judgment be that now. How won’t I watch Premiership for a whole season? Even Chelsea matches? Haba!” the man responded, in despair.
“What! You dare to challenge judgment inside my court? Rosco, come collect contempt of court fine from this man now now!”
Like a flash, Rosco was by his side and slipped his hand into the man’s back-pocket. He removed his wallet and extracted two Five Hundred Naira notes while the man looked on bewildered. He could not protest any longer.
For the first time that evening, he looked at his wife and called her “Darling”, he said.
A confused look crept into her face. “Yes?”
“See, we can get the DSTV dual view. You can watch all the Telemundo and I still get to watch my premiership. Let’s just minimize the theatrics? Deal?”
She paused for a moment and then said “Deal baby! Te Amo”
“So una sabi how to settle una quarrel before, you come disturb Baba Risi? Shior” Baba Risi said. “Oya, make una move abeg. Bad market pipo.”