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Baba Risi’s Court – Domestic War

couple quarrel about gaming

 

“We cannot continue like this! This has to stop! Preposterous!” the bespectacled man shouted as he hurriedly approached Baba Risi. Behind him was his a woman in very colourful skirt and blouse, complete with sunglasses and an equally colourful bag. Upon closer inspection, Baba Risi saw that it was an assortment of carefully selected okrika wears from Tejuosho market.

“Oga, which one be all this big big grammar now? Wetin happen?” Baba Risi asked. It was a slow day in court but he didn’t mind. His Alaba marketer had paid good money for the video of Wizkid, Davido and Pasuma and so he could afford to be relaxed on some days. But these ones now were a rude intrusion. And husband and wife matters were usually the most annoying to settle.

“Baba Risi, it is this woman. I don’t know whether I am the man in the house or her. Because she controls everything in the house and it’s quarrel when I want to even take small control. And it’s my money we used to buy the things o!”

Baba Risi shook his head. Inside all the plenty talk the man just downloaded, he hadn’t mentioned the specific issue that brought them gangan. Husband and wife palaver. He turned to the wife. “Ngbo, what did you do to your husband? Why is he so pained that he is remembering how much he paid for bride price?”

“Please help me ask him o, because I don’t know. Is it a crime to enjoy myself in my husband’s house again?” she responded with an accent Baba Risi could not place. When she spoke, she did so with over the top gesticulations and hand movements.

“The thing has entered your body, see you wearing multi color like Joseph the dreamer and talking and waving your hands like your role models!” the man shouted.

“You don’t know nattin. You see what I’m wearing and can’t appreciate. What international stars are wearing. And for your information, I’m going to change my name soon!’ She shouted back.

Baba Risi shook his head “Will you two tell me what brought you here now or gerrout and go back home to continue your quarrel?” he bellowed.

Subdued by Baba Risi’s commanding voice, the husband responded “this woman wants to turn us all into Telemundo. From morning to night, it’s Telemundo is the house. The name I know her as when I married her is Omolola. Now, if I don’t call her LowLar, she won’t respond. My name is Joseph. But na lie, she will not call me the name my parents gave me. Now, it’s Jose Ignatio that she calls me. Our son’s name is Edward, she now calls him Edwardito. And then all these clothes she now wears nko? If someone dies in Telemundo, we won’t hear word in the house, it’s like a relative has died. Which kind of palapala is that?”

“En en. If I love Telemundo nko? Abeg, park well. If season start now, will I hear word about Chelsea? Oga Baba Risi, our house, the whole flat is painted blue. When my husband wants to talk about Chelsea, he will be saying they bought a player as if his ten kobo is inside the money. And if Chelsea loses a match, food that I spent time and energy to cook will just waste. For days, he will be moody and we will all be walking egg shells around him. And we understood. Now, he refuses to understand my own Telemundo.”

“Madaaaaaaaaaaam, how can you compare football with your soapy Telemundo? Come on!” the man said, rolling his eyes.

“En, wetin be the difference? She dey carry Telemundo for head, you dey carry premiership for head. As she dey buy Telemundo cloth, no be so you dey buy jersey? Make I ask, if match dey, she dey near the remote?” Baba Risi said

“Ah, dem no born me o!” the woman responded.

“But na football nau!” the man responded, sounding defeated.

“Okay, make I judge this una matter sharparly. Since both Telemundo and Premiership dey cause wahala for una house, make una no watch any of the two again. So madam, no Telemundo for you, and oga, no Premiership for you again.”

“Ah, Baba Risi, which kain judgment be that now. How won’t I watch Premiership for a whole season? Even Chelsea matches? Haba!” the man responded, in despair.

“What! You dare to challenge judgment inside my court? Rosco, come collect contempt of court fine from this man now now!”

Like a flash, Rosco was by his side and slipped his hand into the man’s back-pocket. He removed his wallet and extracted two Five Hundred Naira notes while the man looked on bewildered. He could not protest any longer.

For the first time that evening, he looked at his wife and called her “Darling”, he said.

A confused look crept into her face. “Yes?”

“See, we can get the DSTV dual view. You can watch all the Telemundo and I still get to watch my premiership. Let’s just minimize the theatrics? Deal?”

She paused for a moment and then said “Deal baby! Te Amo”

“So una sabi how to settle una quarrel before, you come disturb Baba Risi? Shior” Baba Risi said. “Oya, make una move abeg. Bad market pipo.”

 

 

 

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Baba Risi’s Court – Freedom of Speech

Before we get to today’s story, here’s a special Baba Risi announcement. Ekene Ngige and I have been working on something sweet, and it’s for Christmas season. Yes! The Christmas season is here. And we’ll be bringing you a special Baba Risi animation to celebrate. Here’s a what the characters that will feature in it will look like. Keep your fingers crossed.

Baba Risi’s Court makes a special Monday debut today. It features the one and only @SagaySagay with whom I collaborated on the episode with Sikiru Oniru in it. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. Stay tuned next week as we begin a new series on Monday called A Little Bird Said.

TL

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Rosco1 - Baba Risi

Risi 1 - Baba Risi

lasisi Baba Risi

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and of course

Baba Risi by Ekene Ngige

Enjoy today’s Baba Risi 

This was going to be a marquee case in Baba Risi’s Court. On one side, was lawyer turned banker, Abiodun, a.k.a SagaySagay. Sikiru had recommended Baba Risi’s Court to him and he had insisted that this was the only court he would appear against his opponent. He had in his team great men and women from Nigerian twitter including @ayosogunro, @shecrownlita, @dupekilla, @deboadejugbe and all the other big boys and girls, especially the writers and bloggers. One of their own had a case to answer, and they had come to show support.

To the left, wearing a smart double-breasted jacket, was Sagay’s opponent. He was the epitome of finesse, and compared to Sagay’s laidback buba and sokoto, he looked sharper than a razor. He was the Nigerian rep of the twitter handle @uberfacts. Baba Risi was just hearing of the twitter thing. Rosco had told him some people were even making money from it. “Just get many followers,” he said “and people go pay you to talk to them. Even politicians go pay you more baba. No think am o, na wetin many of these our boys dey do be that.” Small commotion had happened as all the twitter people did not want to pay Rosco the entrance fee and they kept speaking plenty English. Rosco did not even do like he heard all their English.

“Why do we have to pay to get into a law court,” one of them had said indignantly.

“Yes why do we?” more echoed.

“This place, shay na president abi Fashola picture you see for back? Abi you see Baba Risi wear that shigidi thing wey judges dey wear. This na one in town court, and for here, you must to sanwo, kudi, ego, Naira.”

Sikiru had come to the rescue and paid the entry fee for everyone. He was there too, to watch his guy Sagay. Sagay was that kind of guy, with friends amongst twitter overlords and street lords like Sikiru.

“Mr. Uberfacts, wetin you talk say Sagay do you o,” Baba Risi asked.

“He is a nuisance! We at Uberfacts have over 5.3Million followers on twitter in every English-speaking country of the world. And no one else gives such ridiculous responses to our tweets like this Sagay, in all the countries we have a following. At first we ignored him but he kept at it without relenting. We blocked him but he found a way around it. He would get his rambunctious friends to follow his lead. It is getting out of hand and we want to put a stop to it here and now!”

“Ah, oga Uberfacts, calm down o, why you dey shout for my court now?” Baba Risi queried.

“Statistics show that the atmosphere in 100% of Nigerian courts causes involuntary raising of one’s voice,” the Uberfacts rep responded curtly.

“Huh?” Baba Risi said, confused.

“Not Rotimi Williams of blessed memory. He no dey shout for court,” Sagay chipped in.

The Uberfacts guy looked like he was going to assault Sagay “he has just done it again! Why does he always come back with nonsense like that to hard researched facts that we tweet?”

“Shay that one wey you talk na fact? How we wan take prove am? Me sef fit create my own facts then. Abi if I talk now say 90% of women wey get big breast dey get flat yansh, I lie?”  Baba Risi asked. Sagay burst into laughter, joined by his supporters. “Na true, na true,” they shouted.

“How did you come up with such a ridiculous statement? That is not a fact! Please don’t compare such nonsense mumbo jumbo with what we do at Uberfacts.” The rep responded. He undid the buttons of his jacket now as he was sweating underneath already.

“Haha! How you take know? If this my own fact no dey true, how we wan know your own? And if you talk that ridiculous again en, you go pay fine for this court now now” Baba Risi retorted, doing all he could not to laugh.

“That’s not the point, Baba Risi. The point is that Sagay should stop trolling our timeline and responding with ridi…” He caught himself on time before completing the word and swallowed it. Rosco had already moved to his side, ready to collect the fine. He sighed in relief. This Baba Risi would not best the rep of an international entity like Uberfacts. He continued “he should not come back with nonsensical responses to our tweets, attempting to make us look stupid.”

“Ngbo, Sagay, what do you say?” Baba Risi asked.

“Baba Risi kan shosho, Eegun mogaji one! Twale!” Sagay started, hailing Baba Risi and bringing a smile to his face. “I no break any law o. Dem talk their own, I talk my own. Dem talk fact, I talk humor. Their fact fit true for their country, but for Naija here, no be so, ko jo rara.”

“Oya, give me example of the things wey dem talk wey you respond to recently,” Baba Risi asked, curious.

Sagay brought out his phone and quickly went to his timeline.

“For example, Uberfacts said: Believing you have a good memory helps you have a better memory. And Sagaysagay responded: Take am write JAMB now”

Laughter erupted in the courtroom. Sagay continued “see another example here. Uberfact says: It is illegal to be reincarnated in China unless you have permission from the government. Sagay respond say: Akudaya (that’s like people that die appear to people elsewhere who do not know they have died) no dey get am for Naija o!”

“Ridicu…” The rep said and caught himself again just as he saw Rosco closing in. The court burst into laughter and the clerk had to shout “order! Order!” to calm them down.

“Ahhh, Sagay, you no well o. You been watch Baba Suwe when you dey grow abi, as he dey take respond to all those proverbs wey people dey make,” Baba Risi responded, laughing.

“Beeni Baba Risi, I watch Erinkeke well well now. Baba Suwe and Opebe,” Sagay responded, winking.

Baba Risi rarely got up from his seat while court was in session when there was no danger, but today he did.

“Oya, Sagay, make I see whether you go sabi the song.

“E sun mo bi, e rerin eye,”

Sagay immediately joined and all his supporters who looked tush forgot their tushness and joined in singing.

“E gbayi yewo, e rerin idunu

T’omode, T’agba e tun ijoko se…”

By the time they got to the last line, the whole courtroom was singing and dancing along. It was SheCrownLita that was even dancing the most.

“Erin k eke o, L’abule Baba Suwe”

They all thundered that last line together, and Baba Risi fell back into his chair laughing.

“RIDICULOUS!” the Uberfacts rep shouted. He could not hold himself back any longer.

Rosco smiled and went to his side “dem don warn you, your fine na 10k.” He put his hand into the inner pocket of the rep’s suit and extracted crisp mint bills.

“I hid that money there because I heard about the reputation of this your court for extorting money from people. How come you went straight there?” the rep asked, puzzled.

“Superhero l’omo, X-ray vision things. Money no fit hide from us,” Rosco responded, grinning.

“Ogbeni rep, you no get case. Sagay is only exercising his fundamental human rights of freedom of speech and freedom of humor. My learned colleagues, I talk am well?” Baba Risi said

The normally cerebral Ayo Sogunro shouted from behind “beeni Baba Risi, all the freedoms are correct. Even if freedom of humor no dey, we don add am today for here!”

“Correct! Na my judgment be this,” Baba Risi said and then pointed at Sagay “GO ON SOUN!”

“RIDICULOUS, JUST RIDICULOUS, SUPER RIDICULOUS,” the rep kept saying to himself.

Baba Risi smiled as he saw Rosco counting the number of times the rep was saying ridiculous. Soup don done!

Sagay’s supporters started the song as he went back to join them

“Erin keke o, l’ori timeline Sagaysagay”

@deboadejugbe wrote a piece later that day titled Baba Risi, Baba Iyabo and A Lesson In Decisiveness For Baba Otuoke. @ayosogunro’s piece was titled Baba Risi and The Freedom of Humor.

Baba Risi’s Court – Seeing Is Believing

Baba Risi is back to his court after his stint on TV the last time. PS, Guardian never give us him gift o for the Baba Risi Illustration Competition. We shall soon drag him before the great Baba Risi if he doesn’t do the needful :). Oh and by the way, keep your fingers crossed. We have something real special coming up for you from Baba Risi this December.

TL

Baba Risi by Ekene Ngige

“I say I no marry again!” the young man shouted from the doorway of Baba Risi’s Court. His wife was dragging him along “not marry again how? You want me to be the laughing stock of the whole area and church? You will marry by force, by fire, it’s till death do us part” she was saying to the struggling man.

“Pastor Paulo, wetin happen now, wey we see you for our court” Rosco said as he blocked the way.

Behind them, a crowd of Pastor Paul’s church members had come in. He was one of those young men who all the fine young girls in the area liked but he had chosen to be a pastor. Baba Risi knew him well. Unlike many of such young men who took it upon themselves to minister various levels of grace to their female members, Pastor Paul’s hands were clean. He didn’t do girls, and he preached well. It was the previous day he had gotten married and the whole area had been abuzz with all shapes of girls. Now, seeing them like this was a serious matter.

“Pastor, ah, marriage of one day old, hope all is well o,” Baba Risi said when two of them were finally in front of him. His courtroom was now filled with many of those beautiful girls who had come for the wedding the previous day

“Rosco, hope say you no look woman forgot wetin I put you for gate for o,” Baba Risi shouted across the room.

“Ah, Baba, lailai, business before pleasure o,” Rosco said, waving some wads of Naira from the gate takings in the air.

“En en, Mrs Pastor, wetin be the matter now?” Baba Risi asked.

“Thank you sir. This my husband is a man of God and he says he walks by faith and not by sight, yet he wants to dissolve his marriage by what he sees. Is this not contradicting what he preaches?”

“Ah, Pastor, wetin you see wey you wan leave your wife on day one. Wo, make I tell you, you never see anything o on only one day. Na kesekese you see, kasakasa still dey. Na why dem talk say marriage na for men. You no go use that one judge,” baba Risi advised.

“Baba Risi, this woman deceived me, she deceived me totally. And I will not stay in a marriage where I have been shortchanged. It is not the will of God for my life. Deceit is of the devil, he is after all the master deceiver!” Pastor Paul bellowed in his pastorly voice.

“En en, so now I am not the will of God abi? You looked from the pulpit, saw fine girl doing usher in church, and immediately you were hearing the spirit of God. I remember you saying I am the Lord’s doing, marvelous in your sight. Now, you are changing your mouth. Is that why we are here?” Rita said angrily

“Beeni Pastor, shebi na una dey do programme wey you go call all the singles to teach them how to get future partner. So how you no come apply that one for here now?”

Pastor Paul looked angrily at his wife “Baba Risi, you know I am a pastor, right?”

“Ah, beeni, you are one of the genuine ones sef, na why I dey surprised with all this thing now,” Baba Risi responded.

“Now, there are four types of love in the Greek, Agape, Eros, Philos and Storge” he began, as if he was preaching to a congregation. “A man must have all four to only one person, his wife and to her Eros is unique. Eros is the root word for erotic, and it denotes sexual love.”

“As your wife talk, is that why we are here? Pastor, this one no be your church jor, leave matter for Matthias. Wetin be the koko, why you wan leave your wife the day after una wedding?” Baba Risi cut in.

“Please help me ask him o,” Rita chipped in.

“You stopped my flow, but it’s okay. If not for this woman, why would I even bring my issues here. The bottom line is that I do not feel Eros for my wife, no erotic, sexual love,” Pastor Paul said.

Baba Risi could not believe what he was hearing. Rita, the pastor’s wife in front of him was a vision. Her curves were like what Shina Peters must have had in his mind when he was singing sepe sepe figure eight, her face was smooth like butter and everything just set like mathset.

From behind Rosco shouted “pastor na okobo jor!” and the whole church burst into raucous laughter.

“Order! Order!” the clerk shouted before they stopped.

“Ah ah, Pastor, this one is the disease of the eyes, arun oju leleyi. How you no go dey sexually attracted to this kain woman? When that one start, because I know say no be before the wedding.”

“Well, I always saw her with her clothes on, like you are seeing now before the wedding, as a good man of God who didn’t indulge in sin,” Pastor Paul said.

“People forget the Greek, in other words, pastor here saw the package and heard the Lord. When he unwrapped the package, he unheard the Lord. Shebi we are supposed to be spiritual beings and connected on a spiritual level as believers, and it’s the spirit that led him to marry. So what is he saying?” Rita said, lifting her boobs, touching and booty and flicking her hair for emphasis at regular intervals.

Suddenly, without warning, Pastor Paul tugged at his wife’s silky hair. After tugging a little harder, it came off and underneath it was the black rubberband hairdo popularly called ajankolokolo. A hush ran through the crowd.

Baba Risi said sternly “Pastor, which kain thing be that now? Shay na because of hair you no wan marry your wife again? Hair dey grow and even if e no grow, shebi she dey package am well. Are you a learner. Once again, I ask you, is this why we are here?”

Murmurs filled the courtroom. How could a whole Pastor Paul be doing this? They had hoped to find out some evil he had discovered about his wife, but hair? No way! Some got up to start to leave in disappointment. Pastor Paul began to vibrate in anger.

“So you want to make a fool of me abi? See everybody, nothing that you see here is real.” He shouted. The people who had been leaving paused. “This bumbum that you are seeing, it is foam. The hips, it is pad. The hair, it is fake fake assortment of  wigs. Not even weaveon, wigs! The flat, smooth-looking tummy, it is body magic. The complexion, it is makeup. The smooth face, it is foundation. The breasts, it is push up, ultrapadded bra, nothing is there, flat like platyhelminthes. Even the teeth that are white, na lie. So I like what I see now, but what I see is not what I get now. So me too I ask, is that why we are here?”

“Yepa, Mrs. Pastor, is this one true?” Baba Risi asked. The people that were on their feet before were hastily taking their seats now.

“But Pastor Paul said he loves me for who I am and not my body, he said that to me severally. So has any of these changed who I am? I thought you walk by faith and not by sight? So now, in this matter, seeing is believing abi?” Rita asked.

“Ahhhhhhh! Pastor Mrs. So na true?” Baba Risi exclaimed.

Pastor Paul interjected “You see what I am saying? It is deceit! And I will not…”

“Lailai. Shebi na spirit, spirit you say lead you, so e suppose don lead you right. You must to dey with your wife like that. You think say marriage na play play? In fact, for disgracing your wife like this, I dey fine you twenty thousand. And na because you be pastor o, if na ordinary person, na fifty thousand be the fine.”

“Haba, Baba Risi, put yourself in my shoes now? Will you keep the woman?”

“Hehehehe. Me I go don sample before I marry now, as spirit no dey lead me. Oga, na your eye lead you for this one jare, so be man enough to live with am. Oya, Rosco!” Baba Risi said.

Rita shouted a big halleluya and did a dance.

Rosco was beside the pastor instantly and dipped his hands in his pocket. They came out empty, without any money. But he held a card in his hands.

“You cannot extort a man of God. And I don’t have any money here anyway. Will you now come to the house of God to extort a man of God and incur the wrath of God?” Pastor Paul said smugly, through his anger.

“Ah, we sef fear God, so we no fit do that one,” Baba Risi responded.

Pastor Paul turned around to go, when Rosco tapped him on the shoulder holding something. He looked down at it as Rosco said “we fear God, but we be boys scout, we are prepared. We don get POS now, oya, swipe your card!”

 

 

Baba Risi’s Court – Heavenly People

Finally got around to getting the Nokia Lumia 520 phone to Ekene Ngige, winner of the Baba Risi Illustration Competition. And he came up with this picture. 😀 Enjoy this episode of Baba Risi.

TL

Baba Risi-2

Ekene and Baba Risi 😀

The commotion got closer to the court and Baba Risi rubbed his palms. Commotion like this always meant two things – plenty people were coming for the case, which meant plenty gate-takings. It also meant it was an interesting and important case to the community which meant an increase in the profile of his court. They had returned from Rosco’s party yesterday and he needed the money to recover from the spraying he had done at the party.

Rosco was back in position and with two boys, he was manning the door now. After that incident, he had been loyal and hadn’t done anything to give Baba Risi concern, but that didn’t mean the wily old man was letting his guard down. He kept a close eye on lieutenant, watching to see if the loyalty was a mask for some scheming.

The sight that greeted him when Rosco stepped aside to let them in would have been hilarious if it wasn’t a serious matter. A young man in NYSC uniform clutching a bible in one hand was dragging an egungun (masquerade) by the waist like policemen did when they arrested boys.

“Rosco what is this?” Baba Risi shouted, getting up and reaching for the juju under his table. No one tells a blind man war is coming.

Rosco quickly rushed forward and raised both hands in the air. “Baba, no shaking o, na the case wey bring the crowd be this o. The corper carry the egungun come ni. No shaking baba, twaile!”

“You for come tell me before them enter now,” Baba Risi reprimanded.

“Sorry Baba, I no wan leave the boys with the crowd ni. With the kain crowd wey dey, we must to double the gate fee o, you know say we don bleed for the turning of mama this weekend, so na Oluwa himself bring this kain blessing.”

Baba Risi smiled and sat back down “Beeni Rosco! Oya, make the egungun and the corper come, and make the audience enter.”

Rosco signaled and the boys who had stopped the complainants now separated them and led them forward, standing between them to ensure they didn’t descend into a scuffle. Rosco then returned to the front and did quick business collecting the fee as the people trooped in. Murmurs of “o fe bo asho l’oju eegun (you want to unmask the masquerade)” rent the air.

When the people were seated, they still didn’t become quiet until the trusty clerk banged his hand on the table and shouted hoarsely “order! Order!”

“Oya, corper, wetin be your name and wetin happen wey you dey fight masquerade like this?”

“My name is Calistus Okoh. I am a corper with the Local Government and I live in the house beside the big mango tree.”

Baba Risi nodded. He knew the house, it was owned by his friend Lasisi. The useless Lasisi did nothing for his house, leaving the tenants to fix everything there. The only good thing about it was that it was cheap; hence the corper would be able to afford it even on his meager allowy.

“We dey hear, so wetin do you and egungun?” Baba Risi asked.

“Today is not one of the egungun festival days, so nobody told us to stay in our houses. I just came out, going to fellowship when I saw this egungun and two other people approaching my house. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but it later turned out that they had been waiting.”

One of the guys beside the egungun spoke up “how you take know? You commot on egungun day, you no wan face the law. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse!”

“That is why you are hiding under egungun for your personal vendetta abi?” Calistus asked pointedly.

“Mr. Egungun’s PA, e never reach your turn to talk so sharrap until I call you,” Baba Risi said sternly. He knew the boy and he was one of those people that just gave being an agbero a bad name.

“Oga corper, you too, get to the point quick abeg, and speak small small English wey we go hear, all this vendetta pass us here, when you no be member of Higi Haga People’s Congress wey dey speak sacromatete and crinkum-crankum.”

“Okay sir. These people ran after me as I retreated…” Calistus said.

“Oga! Small English jare!” Baba Risi exclaimed.

“They followed me up to our gate and the two boys held me while the egungun began to flog with his long black cane. I even offered them money like we always do, they didn’t take, he was just flogging me”

The corper stretched his hand forward and Baba Risi could clearly see the big lumps formed where the cane had wrapped itself around Calistus’ hands.

“it was then the egungun leaned close to me and said in my ears ‘this one na warning. Leave Caro alone!’ That is when I knew who the egungun was.”

The whole courtroom did an ooh in unison upon hearing this.

“Ngbo, egungun, na true corper dey talk?” Baba Risi asked

The egungun said nothing and the one Baba Risi had tagged his PA spoke up “Na lie he dey…”

“Sharrap!” Baba Risi shouted. “Na you be the egungun, abi the egungun no get mouth to talk by himself? Warn yourself o.”

“But Baba Risi, the egungun na ara orun (heavenly people) now, so he no dey talk with our kain voice. Na why I dey talk for am,” the PA responded.

“En en,” Baba Risi said as he signaled Rosco.

From behind, Rosco gave the PA a hot abara (slap) on the back and the boy held his back as he went down on his knees trying to rub the back, saying

“ahhhh, egungun talk for yourself ooooooooooo”

The courtroom burst out laughing and Rosco moved behind the egungun and said loud “egungun, be careful o” as he raised his hand to land an abara.

Quickly, the egungun spoke in the normal egungun reedy voice. No one understood what he was saying and Rosco raised his hand again, turning his initial warning into a song

“egungun be careful ooo,”

The egungun got the message and said in his normal voice “na lie Calistus dey lie. No be because of Caro we flog am. Na because he know say we dey do egungun today, and he still carry bible dey pass where we dey dey go church we flog am.”

“It is a lie!” Calistus shouted.

“You say egungun dey lie? You no know say egungun be the ancestors wey come back come meet us? You no wan respect ancestor?” the egungun said angrily.

“Who ancestor you be? Na your type of egungun we dey talk So you dey talk say no be woman cause this flogging and you flog person wey dey serve this country for our community like this?” Baba Risi pointed out.

“He disrespect our tradition…” egungun responded

“Sharrap! So you wey dey form egungun anyhow no disrespect the tradition pass am abi? No be because people like una do turn am to anyhow things make people no respect egungun again?”

From behind a female voice came “Saliu! So you deny me for public! You no be man at all, and I don wan leave Calistus for you o, see as you come deny me here.”

A dark-skinned young lady walked angrily to the front towards the egungun.

“Saliu ke? Which Saliu be this?” Baba Risi asked.

“It is Saliu, the king of boys of Little Lagos, a silly miscreant,” Calistus answered.

This was the same Saliu that had brought Rolling Blender some time ago and tried to shoot Baba Risi. (Read about that HERE)

“Rosco! Commot cloth for this egungun face!” Baba Risi ordered.

Rubbing his hands, Rosoc unmasked the egungun and it was the same Saliu. He began shaking over like a leaf.

“So you dey use egungun dey fight for woman? Na wetin our tradition teach be that? You come dey form heavenly people, dey claim say this omo yibo disrespect our tradition. You omo Yoruba nko? Na your own disrespect pass!” Baba Risi shouted.

“Beeni! Yes. Stupid boy!” filled the air all over the court as angry people.

Saliu looked around and knew he was in trouble. Caro was on Calistus’ side, holding his arm and glaring at Saliu angrily. This was the woman he had gone to these lengths for. And now, the other boys had left him alone in front, even though it was one of them that suggested this egungun thing. the court audience was hostile, and Baba Risi and his people too we ready to deal with him. There was only one thing left for him to do. Baba Risi was saying now “As we don see say you no be heavenly person, you go chop the cane wey you give Calistus back, and na Calistus himself must flog you. Where the cane?” the courtroom cheered as Rosco went to the back to produce the cane.

Lailai, Saliu thought. Before anyone knew it, he bolted for the door of the courtroom. It is the person that they catch that can be flogged. As he got to the door, thinking he had escaped, a black cane wrapped itself around his midsection, sending searing pain through him. He looked in front of him and saw the real egungun people. “E don be today,” he muttered to himself as they surrounded him.

Egungun

ff @tundeleye on twitter.

Baba Risi’s Court – Head and Tail

Brand new episode of Baba Risi’s Court… Enjoy.

TL

Fishantic Bad

Baba Risi surveyed the courtroom. Politics money is good o, it is not struggle money like all these car park dues, returns from agberos on the road and gate takings in the court. He had renovated the room and changed the chairs from the old mix and mash ones to new sparkling white plastic chairs. His own chair and table were now executive chairs, the type all those bank ogas put in their offices. “Why I no think of this politics thing since o,” he mumbled out loud to himself.

He tapped the clerk and signaled him to call the next case. Rosco was not around today as he had gone to Ijebu to prepare for the party to “turn” his mother’s corpse over in her grave. Baba Risi was leaving after today’s cases for the party. No matter how much money was coming from the politics, he was not one to waste any source of income. If there was money to be made by opening the doors of the court today before heading to Ijebu, he was not losing it.

A familiar young man stormed forward as his case was called. He was very small and Baba Risi remembered him well. Just a week ago, they had been at his wedding, dancing kolybo music late into the night. The woman he had married that day was right behind him. It was funny that the smallest of men seemed to delight in getting the largest of women. She wasn’t fat, she was large. Baba Risi had oftened wondered how they did the do.

“Shanko,” he said, addressing the young man, “wetin happen? You no suppose still dey enjoy the market wey you just buy? No be fresh husband like you suppose dey here now.”

“Na this woman o. She no wan know say na me be man for house. If I like something, she suppose help me like am.” Shanko responded.

“Ngbo, madam, wetin happen?” Baba Risi asked the woman.

“Thank you o, Baba Risi. This man en, na so so complain. I cook as I don dey cook before I marry am, as my mama dey cook am and as she teach me, na complain he go dey complain. I don tire.” She responded.

“Gladys sharrap!” Shanko said, making sure he was out the reach of his wife. Baba Risi sensed he would not dare talk to her like that behind closed doors.

“En en, me sharrap abi?” she said menacingly and Shanko cowered. Baba Risi nearly burst out laughing but restrained himself.

“Shanko, wetin happen gangan?” Baba Risi asked.

“When my wife wan cook fish, she go cut the head and the tailfin commot. And when dem fry fish, na the part wey I like pass be that tailfin and the head. I don tell am once before, but today, when she serve the fish again, no tailfin, no head. I no gree o!”

The courtroom burst into laughter at how pained Shanko sounded over the matter. Small men can be oversensitive sha.

“Ngbo Gladys, why you no wan give your husband head and tail of fish now?” Baba Risi asked, the laughter at the edge of his voice.

“No be so I dey cook am. For my house, we dey commot the bony part of head and the tailfin. E no good for food, so we dey commot am.” Gladys said firmly.

“An an, but if na wetin your husband want nko?” Baba Risi asked.

“No be so I sabi cook my own. E no good for food, e go spoil the food.”

“Stubborn woman,” Shanko growled.

She eyed him but didn’t move. No be here she go handle him matter.

“Where you hear say fish head and tailfin dey spoil food? Me I dey chop am well well now.” Baba Risi asked Gladys, curious.

“Tell am o!” Shanko again interjected. Niggling little man, Baba Risi thought.

“Na my mama, make we even call am now, she go tell una.” With that, Gladys whipped her phone out and dialed her mother’s number. She put the phone on speaker and placed it on Baba Risi’s shiny new table.

“Mama, migwuo.” She said.

Her mum’s voice came through loud and clear as the courtroom hushed to hear “Gladim. How are you and that your husband?”

From the way she said “your husband”, it was clear what she thought of her daughter’s husband. “Mama, he dey hear you as you dey talk so o.”

“So na like this you dey talk about your daughter husband abi?” Baba Risi chided.

“Who be this, Gladys?” the mum asked.

“This na Baba Risi, and if to say you dey here for my court, I for don deal with you now now. Ngbo, your daughter said you said head of fish and tailfin no good for soup, say na why she no dey cook am for her husband when he ask for am. Abeg, how e no take good o?” he responded.

The obviously subdued Mama Gladys responded, “na so my own mama teach me to cook am from when I small, so na so me sef teach my daughter.”

Baba Risi addressed Gladys “You see yourself? Something wey both of una no know the reason, you dey deny your husband. Stubborn for nothing.”

“Tell am o!” Shanko said again.

Irritated, Baba Risi turned to him and said “and you sharrap! Na this kain small thing you carry come court. You sure say you don ready to be man of the house like this?”

“No rush Mr. Judge to dey harass my daughter. My mama dey here now, she go fit tell us why the head of fish and tailfin no good for soup.” Mama Gladys said.

“Hmm, oya bring am come phone make we hear,” Baba Risi commanded.

There was a brief pause and then a replica of Mama Gladys’ voice, only shakier with age, came on the phone.

“Oreva, how u dey o. How your oga?” Grandma said.

Shanko beamed where he was and shouted “Mama migwuo o. I dey hear well well.” He clearly liked being called oga.

“You en, dey do anyhow for public. Shebi we go go house,” Gladys said to her husband. Baba Risi would have querried her but Shanko was just an annoying little man. Maybe it was good that he feared his wife. Baba Risi ignored them and asked the grandma. “Mama, abeg wetin be the reason wey dem no dey cook head of fish and tailfin o. Gladys no know, her mama wey teach am no know, so we say make we ask you wey teach the mama. Abi you sef no know ni?”

The old woman gave a cackle, and then answered “oga, no be so o. the reason wey I no dey cook head of fish and tailfin simple well well.”

Everyone in the courtroom strained to hear the explanation.

“when I small, the fish wey we dey catch big well well, pass the ones wey una dey see for market today. And our frying pan small pass the ones wey una get. So when we wan fry the fish, make e fit enter the frying pan well well, we go cut the bony part of the head and the tailfin commot. E go fit enter the oil, fry well well. That is all o.”

Baba Risi couldn’t hold himself any longer and burst out laughing. The whole court followed suit. Gladys was thoroughly embarrassed, but she kept a straight face, while Shanko was gloating in his corner.

“Gladys, you don hear. Abeg, go house, go cook head of fish plus tailfin for your husband.”

Gladys turned to her husband and said with meaning “shebi we don finish for here. You don win, oya make we dey go house.”

Shanko shrank back in fear. He had won the case, but…

Baba Risi couldn’t stop laughing.

 

Baba Risi’s Court Illustrations – The Entries

CHECK OUT THE FLOSSY SHOE AD (ON THE SIDEBAR FOR PC AND AT THE BOTTOM FOR MOBILE)

Here are the entries I recieved for the Baba Risi’s Illustration Competition. Simply vote for the one that looks most like Baba Risi as you’ve imagined him. You can also drop your thoughts in the comments section. Voting lasts till Monday and I’ll announce the winner on Tuesday after which I’ll get in touch to have the phone delivered to him/her. Remember, its in the fun spirit of Baba Risi.

TL

Baba Risi By Joseph Temilola Adesina

Baba Risi By Joseph Temilola Adesina

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Baba Risi by Ekene Ngige

Baba Risi by Ekene Ngige

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Baba Risi Oziren Omoarukhe

Baba Risi Oziren Omoarukhe

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Lagos-20130907-00953

Baba Risi By Dickson Oludolapo

SO WHICH ILLUSTRATOR’S WORK LOOKS THE MOST LIKE BABA RISI AS YOU IMAGINED? VOTE BELOW

Baba Risi’s Court – The Guardian

I’m naughty 🙂 I tried to not write this, but it jumped out of my fingers. Y’all have The Guardian who commented on the Baba Risi Awoof for Illustrators yesterday to thank for this 2ce this week Baba Risi. (No come think say if you vex for comment, I go post am 2ce a week every week o). By the way, saw his follow up comments on giving out a Wacom Intuos Graphic Tablet for the winner. Big ups to him. Hit me up on twitter @tundeleye or email me at ajileyeb@gmail.com so I can get the details for getting that for the winner. Enjoy “The Guardian” inspired The Guardian episode of Baba RIsi’s Court 😀

TL

big smiley

After that interview, Baba Risi thought he would have to lay low for a while. But for where? The number of cases he had to judge had increased by four folds now and the gate takings from the spectators was quite a handsome pile. He had just finished one case where one foolish corper impregnated the twins selling bread and ewa aganyin and the clerk was calling the next case now.

The complainant came forward with swagger. He was wearing a starched linen top with chinos trousers, trekkers and a pair of glasses. Altogether, he had the overall look of a very brainy person. The second guy behind him who Baba Risi initially thought was with the complainant but who turned out to be the accused in this case was dressed like all those bankers. He hastily removed his lapel pin and ID card before Baba Risi could make out which bank he worked with and went to the other side.

“Yes, who collect who wife out of two of una,” Baba Risi queried. This was the only reason he could think of where two successful young men would come before his court. Except this type of new crowd was attracted by his interview with NOI and Sikiru, in which case, all join!

The complainant responded “Baba Risi, my name is The Guardian, and I am angry. Angry for you and for me and this nonsense guy” he pointed at the banker looking guy, “is the reason why I am angry.”

Baba Risi sat up “what is this about? Wetin the guy do?”

Rosco and some other boys move in close to the banker guy, ready to exact some judgment once Baba Risi gave the signal.

The Guardian, pleased, continued “no mind am. He says he’s a writer and blogger and he had been writing about this your honorable court since, using your name to make himself popular. The worst one he now did is the last one.”

“Shooo, oga talk am quick abeg, wetin he do now?” Baba Risi was getting impatient.

“I am an illustrator, I draw images. It is a very noble profession, and this man disrespected us. He asked people to draw you, as many people that are illustrators out there looking to be popular. They want to use your name and image, Baba Risi, free of charge. And he now said he was doing awoof to we illustrators, that he will give us one nonsense Nokia Phone like that, Lumia 520, that is like 27K. What nonsense!”

Baba Risi looked incredulously at The Guardian.

“Oga, how e take affect you now? As Eldee the Don talk, is it your money? Abeg, make dem dey draw me dey go, maybe I go be like governor wey the face dey dey everywhere. Ngbo, Ogbeni writer what do you have to say?”

Immediately, the banker guy raised his hands in the air and said “Baba n Risi, twaile, you much too much o!”

Baba Risi could not help bursting into laughter. The sight of this suave looking guy displaying like one of his boys was just too funny. “Oga wetin be your name o?” he asked

“My name na Tunde Leye, and I just dey do small play play ni. This our small prize no be for Oga at the top like this chairman here o. Na for upcoming people, make dem for popular small, see big work of 200k per job like am.”

“haaa! Oga Guardian, na true? You dey collect 200k per job to draw person like me?” Baba Risi asked in disbelief.

“Of course. That is the minimum I charge for such character conceptualization jobs. It could be much more,” the Guardian said, adjusting his specs.

“And you never do prize for upcoming illustrators to become like you? You come dey vex for person wey dey try help with him small thing?”

The Guardian saw he had misjudged the reason for Baba Risi’s disbelief. “Errrm,” he stammered.

“Sharrap! Na my judgment be this. Since you respect una work much, you must to contribute to this prize and the thing wey you must put must pass the phone wey Tunde Leye dey put. Rosco follow am now now to go collect the thing!”

“I was going to give something to support but I still wanted him to show some respect for our profession…” The Guardian said but Baba Risi cut him short.

“Sharrap, you are still talking? Take 5k fine from this man jor,” he said. Immediately, Rosco frisked him and 5k in crisp ATM type bills came out. Baba Risi thought that he should have made it a bigger fine, because there seemed to be money in his hand.

“Now, forward march to go and buy something that is of value for Tunde Leye to give, before I fine you again for delaying carrying out judgment,” Baba Risi said, standing up for effect.

The Guardian beat a hasty retreat from the imposing figure of Baba Risi and made for the door, closely followed by Rosco and Tunde.

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The Guardian eventually donated a Wacom Intuos Graphics Tablet for the TLSPLACE ILLUSTRATORS AWOOF. J

NOW, IF YOU HAVEN’T STILL TOLD YOUR ILLUSTRATOR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS, PLEASE DO. LET’S HAVE FUN CREATING WHAT BABA RISI LOOKS LIKE JOR. HERE’S THE LINK TO HOW TO ENTER.  https://tlsplace.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/baba-risis-court-boys-scouts/