Archive | October 2014

Eid Post – Thou Shalt Not Jump

Here’s a short post for my Muslim Readers to say Eid Mubarak. Enjoy.

TL

Diving Women

What Happened

BBM Conversation Between Zara and her boyfriend, Hakeem on Sallah Day

Hot Zara: Hey Baeeee. Barka de Sallah, my sugarbunch. How is Naija?

Harkhim: Men, Sallah is live here. Boring London Sallah you must be having *tongue out*

Hot Zara: Go away. See you, the muslim community is growing here o. We are even killing ram at the mosque today, though some animal rights people dey come sha.

Harkhim: Imagine. And we, we are doing ram fighting here in Surulere. They are not serious.

Hot Zara: So, I have a hot, sexy picture for you. Cos, bae.

Harkhim: *rubs palms*. Oya, send it sharply!!

Hot Zara: Ashawo. Send a picture of you first.

Hakeem quickly takes a selfie and sends it to Zara quickly with the caption “no time”.

No response.

Harkhim: PING!!!

Harkhim: PING!!!

Harkhim: Why are you not responding now?

Harkhim: PING!!!

Harkhim: PING!!!

Harkhim: So you are ignoring me now?

Hot Zara: Hakeem. I’ve had it with you. You know I’m all alone here in London, being faithful and all. Yet you just keep cheating on me there in Lagos. I cannot come and kill myself at my young age please. It’s over. Have your fun.

Harkhim: HA! Zara! How did we go from sharing hot picture to breaking up? Kilode? Talk to me!

Harkhim pings and pings but gets no response. He calls and calls, but no response.

What she told her friend after the breakup.

Zara: Imagine. God just used this Eid to bless me and reveal the cheating bastard. And they warned me about him o.

Fatima: He was just using you to shine jare, having correct babe doing masters in London, he’s still carrying those razz Surulere amala shitta girls. Good you dumped his ass!

Zara: No time. He took the picture without clearing his bed. He didn’t know her underwear was still in on the bed and the picture showed it clearly. See how God exposed him.

Fatima: Abeg, there is better fish in this London jare. (In her mind “ode, London boys will deal with you. Me I’ve taken Hakeem’s number, you didn’t know”)

What Happened At Hakeem’s After The Breakup

Hakeem is sitting on his bed, confused, not knowing what and why Zara suddenly broke up with him. Soji has joined him and is saying now

Soji: Hakeem, there can only be one reason jare.

Hakeem: En en. And what might that be?

Soji: She don see new bobo for London, and she was just looking for an opportunity to dump you for him

Hakeem: Hmm. Makes sense. Na so all these girls dey be? She never know London boys. Dem go deal with am en, she go hear am.

Soji: Wo, today is Eid, don’t let her spoil our turn up jare.

A lady rushes into the room in just towel.

Hakeem: Hadrat, how many times will I tell you to knock before you enter my room. Abi which type of younger sister are you sef? See now, I have a visitor and your barge in almost naked.

Hadrat: Which visitor? Is it Soji that is visitor? Mtchew. This one that I can drop my towel in front of now now. Soji na blood now.

Soji grins sheepishly and Hakeem slaps the back of his head (popularly called “ogo” in Yoruba).

Hakeem: Oniranu, na your sister o, so cancel that thought I just saw flash through your mind.

Soji: So you, you now read minds ba? Wondafu!

Hadrat: Wo, you people should shift on that bed jor. I think it’s here I took my bra and pant off yesterday and I forgot to take it to my room when I left.

Hakeem: You this girl, how many rooms do you want to be using in this house? You will off cloth in the parlor, off skirt in mummy’s room, off top in your room and come and off bra and pant in my room. Mind yourself o.

He looks behind him and sees her underwear there on the bed. As if picking a dangerous object, he picks each up with the tip of his finger and tosses it to her.

Hadrat: E se, thank you.

With that she left the room, with Soji’s eyes following the jiggling of her bum with each step she took. Hakeem made a mental note to keep his friend away from his sister. She might see him as a brother, but he definitely didn’t share the same sentiments.

His phone rang. It was a U.K number.

Hakeem: See o, Soji, na U.K number. She must have come to her senses and is calling back. I go show am first.

He picked the call. It was not Zara’s voice that said hello to him.

“Hello, this is Fatima, Zara’s friend. See en, Zara is now seeing someone here, and that’s why she broke up with you like that. Don’t take it too badly. Some of us understand the value of our true Nigerian brothers than Zara sha o” she giggled.

Hakeem gave Soji the “you were right” look and then continued the conversation with this interesting sounding Fatima.

Advertisements