Archive | August 2014

Baba Risi’s Court – Osun Decides


Baba Risi surveyed the crowd and smiled. Rosco had done a good job mobilizing and organizing this governorship debate in the biggest motor park in Osogbo. And at least, he could say all of Osun was here and he didn’t pay them a dime, unlike the politicians. No right thinking Nigerian politician would miss this kind of opportunity lailai. He wasn’t interested in all the small small candidates, he had invited only the Iyiola Omisore of the PDP and the incumbent governor, Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola of the APC. Those other ones, after the elections, if they offered them commissioner sef, they would take. But Ogbeni Rauf and Omisore wanted nothing less than governor. All those elitist debate organizers didn’t know nothing. They had not learnt from Ekiti that elections in Nigeria are not about their highly ideological grammar. See, their own debate, there was no mammoth crowd, only twitter people making noise that the people that would vote would never hear in one hotel.

Aregbesola came into the venue in convoy, waving through an open roof car in his usual style and the crowd went into frenzy until he climbed the podium. As soon as he sat down, on cue as if someone gave a signal, a single okada carrying Omisore entered the arena. Shouts of “grassroots baba, kukureyejo, akerekoro” rent the air as Omisore jumped off the bike and walked briskly to the stage.

The candidates took their seats and Rosco had fierce looking agberos maintaining law and order. They were wearing t-shirts with inscription saying “We No Be Police ooooo” so people would not get any funny ideas. Baba Risi had gotten big money for this debate and he knew he had to do it well in order to land the contract for the presidential debate in 2015.

He got up and started “this na the debate of the people, the one wey we go ask the candidates wetin concern us gangan. I know say una wan hear their mouth, so I go ask, dem go respond. If una like their answer, make una show am, and if una no like am, no hide your feelings. Awon boys dey here, so make una dey calm, no make trouble o. The boys are not smiling, dem no be police, so dem no be your friend. If you do anyhow, you go see anyhow. So the two candidates will now introduce themselves now. Since A is before P, the APC candidate na him go come first. No long thing o.”

Ogbeni Rauf stepped forward and shouted into the microphone “APC!!!!!!”

“Change!!!” came the thunderous reply.

Baba Risi stood up and spoke into his own mic “I know say APC no be your name sir, so no use this one like rally.”

A little embarrassed, the governor responded “I am Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola, the Oranmiyan that has come back to Yorubaland, the one they wanted to cheat but God said no and brought me to the seat of power. And I don’t need to tell you the wonderful things my administration has done in Osun. We have built both on the ground infrastructure and stomach infrastructure. We are here to ask for your votes again and insha Allah, you will give it to us.”

The crowd roared and it took a few minutes for Baba Risi to calm them down.

Omisore jumped up with hands behind him until he got to the microphone and then dramatically brought out two cobs of roasted corn, took a bite from each and waved them in the air.

“I am Iyiola Omisore. I eat what I share. My philosophy is, it must go round, chop I chop. My corn is the one that grows in this soil, the normal one. Not some people that bring odourless fufu. I don’t bring imported Lagos rubbish. Osun people eat osun things. We will bring federal might here. We will free you from slavery to Lagos and Bourdillon.”

The crowd roared. Baba Risi wondered if they even knew who to support or they just roared irrespective of who spoke.

Aregbesola took his own microphone waving the fufu bag in his hand and spoke powerfully into it. “This is innovation my people. We in APC make anything the PDP has done better! Where they share raw rice, we share jollof rice. And where they share ordinary garri, we share not just fufu, but odourless fufu, because we know how much the smell of fufu bothers our people and we are a government sensitive to your needs.”

“Ogbeni, I cannot lie, if it doesn’t smell like fufu, e no be fufu” Baba Risi chipped in and the crowd seemed to murmur in agreement. He continued “My question is for the PDP candidate. Dem say you no dey respect your elders. You commot cap for late Bola Ige head. You no dey prostrate for Ooni. As a Yoruba man, this is a grievous accusation”

“Ah, you too said it earlier today now. Anybody that does anyhow will see anyhow. That is Bola Ige’s own. And as the Ooni isn’t complaining, it is nothing. He is Ikeji orisa, even me I be omo orisa. I am a son of Ife soil and the 364 gods in Ife have given me victory!”

“So wetin I talk to this crowd na wetin apply to Chief Bola Ige. I don hear. Ngbo Oga Ogbeni, this your opon imo wey the children no get light to charge and wey you dey collect from them back, na him you wan do again the second time abi another thing dey?”

“Baba Risi, it is change. That is what the APC stands for. Very soon, because of Opon Imo, Osun students will soon become smarter than all the students in all other states. Especially because we give them good food to eat in school.”

“But una no dey top ten for WAEC results now, for the records”.

“YES!” Omisore shouted “and my government will change that. We believe this APC change government is sparing the rod. So instead of wasting money on food and opon imo scams, we will give our farmers contract to produce stronger canes from our vast timber industry and train teachers in new flogging techniques. Result will change immediately and we will create employment at the same time.”

“So na by cane children dey sabi book? Una hear so, my people? Okay, oga Omisore, shebi you don go prison before and dem say you no suppose fit contest. How you come dey do am?” Baba Risi asked.

“Chief, are you okay? Is this the kind of question you want to be asking me here?” Omisore responded angrily.

“E never finish. Dem say na you kill Bola Ige. Answer that one too as we dey here. Wo, ayelala dey here so, no be court. If you lie, you go swell up till you burst.”

“En en! So this is an APC set up to rubbish me ba? I will deal with you, you this fake judge.” Omisore stammered angrily and walked up to Baba Risi. Baba Risi sat down calmly, watching to see what Omisore wanted to do. He didn’t have to wait too long. Rosco was racing towards the stage but was tackled by some mask wearing goons before he could reach there. Omisore reached for Baba Risi’s cap and took it off his head. He tried to bring the hand down to hit Baba Risi’s head with it. But even as he tried with all his might, the hand refused to come down. Omisore began sweating.

“Because I wear cloth dey stage, you think say I normal ba?” Baba Risi said with a grin. Omisore began sweating profusely as the hand got heavier.

“My people,” Baba Risi continued “all of them, them be the same. Plus corn, plus fufu, plus rice, plus iPad something, APC, PDP, all na same. Na make una shine una eye.”



Baba Risi’s Court – Domestic War

couple quarrel about gaming


“We cannot continue like this! This has to stop! Preposterous!” the bespectacled man shouted as he hurriedly approached Baba Risi. Behind him was his a woman in very colourful skirt and blouse, complete with sunglasses and an equally colourful bag. Upon closer inspection, Baba Risi saw that it was an assortment of carefully selected okrika wears from Tejuosho market.

“Oga, which one be all this big big grammar now? Wetin happen?” Baba Risi asked. It was a slow day in court but he didn’t mind. His Alaba marketer had paid good money for the video of Wizkid, Davido and Pasuma and so he could afford to be relaxed on some days. But these ones now were a rude intrusion. And husband and wife matters were usually the most annoying to settle.

“Baba Risi, it is this woman. I don’t know whether I am the man in the house or her. Because she controls everything in the house and it’s quarrel when I want to even take small control. And it’s my money we used to buy the things o!”

Baba Risi shook his head. Inside all the plenty talk the man just downloaded, he hadn’t mentioned the specific issue that brought them gangan. Husband and wife palaver. He turned to the wife. “Ngbo, what did you do to your husband? Why is he so pained that he is remembering how much he paid for bride price?”

“Please help me ask him o, because I don’t know. Is it a crime to enjoy myself in my husband’s house again?” she responded with an accent Baba Risi could not place. When she spoke, she did so with over the top gesticulations and hand movements.

“The thing has entered your body, see you wearing multi color like Joseph the dreamer and talking and waving your hands like your role models!” the man shouted.

“You don’t know nattin. You see what I’m wearing and can’t appreciate. What international stars are wearing. And for your information, I’m going to change my name soon!’ She shouted back.

Baba Risi shook his head “Will you two tell me what brought you here now or gerrout and go back home to continue your quarrel?” he bellowed.

Subdued by Baba Risi’s commanding voice, the husband responded “this woman wants to turn us all into Telemundo. From morning to night, it’s Telemundo is the house. The name I know her as when I married her is Omolola. Now, if I don’t call her LowLar, she won’t respond. My name is Joseph. But na lie, she will not call me the name my parents gave me. Now, it’s Jose Ignatio that she calls me. Our son’s name is Edward, she now calls him Edwardito. And then all these clothes she now wears nko? If someone dies in Telemundo, we won’t hear word in the house, it’s like a relative has died. Which kind of palapala is that?”

“En en. If I love Telemundo nko? Abeg, park well. If season start now, will I hear word about Chelsea? Oga Baba Risi, our house, the whole flat is painted blue. When my husband wants to talk about Chelsea, he will be saying they bought a player as if his ten kobo is inside the money. And if Chelsea loses a match, food that I spent time and energy to cook will just waste. For days, he will be moody and we will all be walking egg shells around him. And we understood. Now, he refuses to understand my own Telemundo.”

“Madaaaaaaaaaaam, how can you compare football with your soapy Telemundo? Come on!” the man said, rolling his eyes.

“En, wetin be the difference? She dey carry Telemundo for head, you dey carry premiership for head. As she dey buy Telemundo cloth, no be so you dey buy jersey? Make I ask, if match dey, she dey near the remote?” Baba Risi said

“Ah, dem no born me o!” the woman responded.

“But na football nau!” the man responded, sounding defeated.

“Okay, make I judge this una matter sharparly. Since both Telemundo and Premiership dey cause wahala for una house, make una no watch any of the two again. So madam, no Telemundo for you, and oga, no Premiership for you again.”

“Ah, Baba Risi, which kain judgment be that now. How won’t I watch Premiership for a whole season? Even Chelsea matches? Haba!” the man responded, in despair.

“What! You dare to challenge judgment inside my court? Rosco, come collect contempt of court fine from this man now now!”

Like a flash, Rosco was by his side and slipped his hand into the man’s back-pocket. He removed his wallet and extracted two Five Hundred Naira notes while the man looked on bewildered. He could not protest any longer.

For the first time that evening, he looked at his wife and called her “Darling”, he said.

A confused look crept into her face. “Yes?”

“See, we can get the DSTV dual view. You can watch all the Telemundo and I still get to watch my premiership. Let’s just minimize the theatrics? Deal?”

She paused for a moment and then said “Deal baby! Te Amo”

“So una sabi how to settle una quarrel before, you come disturb Baba Risi? Shior” Baba Risi said. “Oya, make una move abeg. Bad market pipo.”




Baba Risi’s Court – Kukuru Musicians


Baba Risi sat in his court and surveyed the thronging crowd. Today, the court room was filled to overflowing and Rosco was making a killing at the gate. People were paying One Thousand Naira to enter. Before that day, they highest gate fees he had taken was Two Hundred Naira, after his encounter with Stella Oduah on TV. And the reasons stood in front of him now, fuming at each other. Both of them were dressed the same way.

“Which one of you is Wiski and which on is Davido?” Baba Risi asked.

“It’s your boy Wizzy! Yayi!” Wizkid said, doing the peace sign.

Trying to outdo him, Davido skipped forward and sang “It’s Davido ooo”.

Baba Risi hissed. “What is all this palapala? What is your case by the way?”

“It’s this Nigga man. He doesn’t know that twenty man shall fall that day when they cross my lane, and he just went on twitter to mouth off to me. I been in this game longer and should get R.E.S.P.E.C.T” He spelt out the last word with an attitude.

“How you wan fall twenty man. Do you have gbekude?” Baba Risi asked

“No” Wizkid responded

“Gbetugbetu nko?”





“What tha hell is that” I ain’t got none of those crap man. I got my crew and that’s all I need to fall any man” Wizkid responded indignantly.

Baba Risi laughed. “Na these ajebuta children wey dey your back wan fall 20 men? You no get all those things and you dey make mouth. Small pikin no sabi juju, he dey call am vegetable. Ngbo, Davido, wetin be your own side?”

“This one will just be talking respect like we are in secondary school. I’m bigger than him now, and he should be bowing down, with his wack H-factor. Hugly nigga”

“You wey do head like Ninja Turtle dey call person ugly? Wondafu.” Baba Risi responded and the whole courtroom burst into laughter.

“Oh, I’m wack, but who do they catch in pictures with orisirisi (pronounced owisiwisi) low class girls?” Wizkid added.

“You these too small pikin, na abuse una come abuse unaself for here? With una tight jeans wey no go let una blokos breath. And na so two of una short, kurumbete people.”

“An an!” Wizkid and Davido chorused. “Na you dey yab us pass baba now” Davido added.

“En, me I be the judge and na my work be that. Shebi na musician una be, na by music we go know who be winner for this case. Rosco, oya set the mic!”

The courtroom spectators cheered. It was not everyday you got the opportunity of watching Davido and Wizkid perform up close in this manner.

Quickly, Rosco set up the Ahuja sound system they had rented for the occasion.

“DJ Cripple, you don ready?” he hollered at the guy on the mixer.

In response, DJ Cripple scratched and screeched on his turntable. Rosco passed a well-worn microphone to Davido. “Oya go first, Ninja Turtle.”

Immediately, Sina Rambo and B-Red jumped up from the crowd to back Davido up.

“DJ, track 2,” Davido said and as soon as the soundtrack started, he began to mime.

Baba Risi got up and shouted. “Wetin be this? This one na performance? Abeg, abeg, abeg, Cripple, off that beat. I wan hear this boy sing.”

“But…” Davido protested.

Wizkid started laughing derisively. Fuming, Davido said into the mic, “leggo!”

“All the girls dem dey dance galala…” he began.

Baba Risi jumped up and shouted for the second time in two minutes. “Off the mic! Off the mic! Abajo wey you been dey mime. Wetin you dey drink? Haba, why your voice crack like this now? Na so 9ice own start o, now we no fit hear am. Abeg make we hear Wiski jare.”

Davido was livid. He began shouting “What you saying old nigga? Nobody, I repeat nobody stops my performance. You know how many awards I’ve won this year? You know…”

“Who be nigga? I go turn you to real turtle now if you no sharrap and pass the mic”

Muna stood up in the crowd and shouted “pass the mic!” as if she had been waiting for the opportunity all day and the crowd took up the chant. Holding his head down, Davido handed the microphone over to Wizkid.

Wizkid screamed into the mic “Yaga!” and the crowd responded.

Then he started singing.

“Ogbeni, is it a must that you repeat every word like 5 times ni?” Baba Risi cut in after a few lines of booty Bombay and the likes.

“That’s the hook man, you know, the hook!” Wizkid responded.

“Hook ko, fishing rod ni. If you no get lyrics, talk jare, no dey lie on top hook. Wait now, you go see music. Rosco, you don call am?”

“Sure baba, he don land,” Rosco said as he pushed his way outside to fetch the guest. Both Wizkid and Davido waiting to see who this great musician Baba Risi had brought would be. All of a sudden, they heard over the public address.

“Suprissssssse Paso!”

The crowd responded “Paso Surpriso!”

The call came again from the voice they could now tell was Pasuma’s “Paso Surpriso!”

The crowd erupted “Surprisssssssse Paso”

Then, Pasuma raced to the front and DJ Cripple started a strong fuji beat.

Over the noise, Baba Risi asked Rosco “hope say you video everything? My friend for Alaba don dey ready to buy am and release for DVD by weekend o.”

“Sure baba, you know say I no dey miss that kain thing,” Rosco responded with a toothy smile.

As the crowd gyrated, Baba Risi watched the two young pop singers quietly slip away. He smiled and counted how much he had made from them mentally.