Baba Risi is back to his court after his stint on TV the last time. PS, Guardian never give us him gift o for the Baba Risi Illustration Competition. We shall soon drag him before the great Baba Risi if he doesn’t do the needful :). Oh and by the way, keep your fingers crossed. We have something real special coming up for you from Baba Risi this December.
“I say I no marry again!” the young man shouted from the doorway of Baba Risi’s Court. His wife was dragging him along “not marry again how? You want me to be the laughing stock of the whole area and church? You will marry by force, by fire, it’s till death do us part” she was saying to the struggling man.
“Pastor Paulo, wetin happen now, wey we see you for our court” Rosco said as he blocked the way.
Behind them, a crowd of Pastor Paul’s church members had come in. He was one of those young men who all the fine young girls in the area liked but he had chosen to be a pastor. Baba Risi knew him well. Unlike many of such young men who took it upon themselves to minister various levels of grace to their female members, Pastor Paul’s hands were clean. He didn’t do girls, and he preached well. It was the previous day he had gotten married and the whole area had been abuzz with all shapes of girls. Now, seeing them like this was a serious matter.
“Pastor, ah, marriage of one day old, hope all is well o,” Baba Risi said when two of them were finally in front of him. His courtroom was now filled with many of those beautiful girls who had come for the wedding the previous day
“Rosco, hope say you no look woman forgot wetin I put you for gate for o,” Baba Risi shouted across the room.
“Ah, Baba, lailai, business before pleasure o,” Rosco said, waving some wads of Naira from the gate takings in the air.
“En en, Mrs Pastor, wetin be the matter now?” Baba Risi asked.
“Thank you sir. This my husband is a man of God and he says he walks by faith and not by sight, yet he wants to dissolve his marriage by what he sees. Is this not contradicting what he preaches?”
“Ah, Pastor, wetin you see wey you wan leave your wife on day one. Wo, make I tell you, you never see anything o on only one day. Na kesekese you see, kasakasa still dey. Na why dem talk say marriage na for men. You no go use that one judge,” baba Risi advised.
“Baba Risi, this woman deceived me, she deceived me totally. And I will not stay in a marriage where I have been shortchanged. It is not the will of God for my life. Deceit is of the devil, he is after all the master deceiver!” Pastor Paul bellowed in his pastorly voice.
“En en, so now I am not the will of God abi? You looked from the pulpit, saw fine girl doing usher in church, and immediately you were hearing the spirit of God. I remember you saying I am the Lord’s doing, marvelous in your sight. Now, you are changing your mouth. Is that why we are here?” Rita said angrily
“Beeni Pastor, shebi na una dey do programme wey you go call all the singles to teach them how to get future partner. So how you no come apply that one for here now?”
Pastor Paul looked angrily at his wife “Baba Risi, you know I am a pastor, right?”
“Ah, beeni, you are one of the genuine ones sef, na why I dey surprised with all this thing now,” Baba Risi responded.
“Now, there are four types of love in the Greek, Agape, Eros, Philos and Storge” he began, as if he was preaching to a congregation. “A man must have all four to only one person, his wife and to her Eros is unique. Eros is the root word for erotic, and it denotes sexual love.”
“As your wife talk, is that why we are here? Pastor, this one no be your church jor, leave matter for Matthias. Wetin be the koko, why you wan leave your wife the day after una wedding?” Baba Risi cut in.
“Please help me ask him o,” Rita chipped in.
“You stopped my flow, but it’s okay. If not for this woman, why would I even bring my issues here. The bottom line is that I do not feel Eros for my wife, no erotic, sexual love,” Pastor Paul said.
Baba Risi could not believe what he was hearing. Rita, the pastor’s wife in front of him was a vision. Her curves were like what Shina Peters must have had in his mind when he was singing sepe sepe figure eight, her face was smooth like butter and everything just set like mathset.
From behind Rosco shouted “pastor na okobo jor!” and the whole church burst into raucous laughter.
“Order! Order!” the clerk shouted before they stopped.
“Ah ah, Pastor, this one is the disease of the eyes, arun oju leleyi. How you no go dey sexually attracted to this kain woman? When that one start, because I know say no be before the wedding.”
“Well, I always saw her with her clothes on, like you are seeing now before the wedding, as a good man of God who didn’t indulge in sin,” Pastor Paul said.
“People forget the Greek, in other words, pastor here saw the package and heard the Lord. When he unwrapped the package, he unheard the Lord. Shebi we are supposed to be spiritual beings and connected on a spiritual level as believers, and it’s the spirit that led him to marry. So what is he saying?” Rita said, lifting her boobs, touching and booty and flicking her hair for emphasis at regular intervals.
Suddenly, without warning, Pastor Paul tugged at his wife’s silky hair. After tugging a little harder, it came off and underneath it was the black rubberband hairdo popularly called ajankolokolo. A hush ran through the crowd.
Baba Risi said sternly “Pastor, which kain thing be that now? Shay na because of hair you no wan marry your wife again? Hair dey grow and even if e no grow, shebi she dey package am well. Are you a learner. Once again, I ask you, is this why we are here?”
Murmurs filled the courtroom. How could a whole Pastor Paul be doing this? They had hoped to find out some evil he had discovered about his wife, but hair? No way! Some got up to start to leave in disappointment. Pastor Paul began to vibrate in anger.
“So you want to make a fool of me abi? See everybody, nothing that you see here is real.” He shouted. The people who had been leaving paused. “This bumbum that you are seeing, it is foam. The hips, it is pad. The hair, it is fake fake assortment of wigs. Not even weaveon, wigs! The flat, smooth-looking tummy, it is body magic. The complexion, it is makeup. The smooth face, it is foundation. The breasts, it is push up, ultrapadded bra, nothing is there, flat like platyhelminthes. Even the teeth that are white, na lie. So I like what I see now, but what I see is not what I get now. So me too I ask, is that why we are here?”
“Yepa, Mrs. Pastor, is this one true?” Baba Risi asked. The people that were on their feet before were hastily taking their seats now.
“But Pastor Paul said he loves me for who I am and not my body, he said that to me severally. So has any of these changed who I am? I thought you walk by faith and not by sight? So now, in this matter, seeing is believing abi?” Rita asked.
“Ahhhhhhh! Pastor Mrs. So na true?” Baba Risi exclaimed.
Pastor Paul interjected “You see what I am saying? It is deceit! And I will not…”
“Lailai. Shebi na spirit, spirit you say lead you, so e suppose don lead you right. You must to dey with your wife like that. You think say marriage na play play? In fact, for disgracing your wife like this, I dey fine you twenty thousand. And na because you be pastor o, if na ordinary person, na fifty thousand be the fine.”
“Haba, Baba Risi, put yourself in my shoes now? Will you keep the woman?”
“Hehehehe. Me I go don sample before I marry now, as spirit no dey lead me. Oga, na your eye lead you for this one jare, so be man enough to live with am. Oya, Rosco!” Baba Risi said.
Rita shouted a big halleluya and did a dance.
Rosco was beside the pastor instantly and dipped his hands in his pocket. They came out empty, without any money. But he held a card in his hands.
“You cannot extort a man of God. And I don’t have any money here anyway. Will you now come to the house of God to extort a man of God and incur the wrath of God?” Pastor Paul said smugly, through his anger.
“Ah, we sef fear God, so we no fit do that one,” Baba Risi responded.
Pastor Paul turned around to go, when Rosco tapped him on the shoulder holding something. He looked down at it as Rosco said “we fear God, but we be boys scout, we are prepared. We don get POS now, oya, swipe your card!”