These people don’t know we know them. Enjoy Baba Risi’s Court.
Life was good, thought Baba Risi as he prepared to go on air. If anyone had told him two years ago he would have gone on TV three times in the next two years, he would have laughed at the person. But that his court had done wonders. Here he was, about to go on Channels TV in the next few minutes. They had contacted him a few days ago to ask if he would like to anchor an on air debate/peace meeting between the former Minister for Aviation, Femi Fani-Kayode and the current on Stella Oduah over the furoe that their back and forth since the plane crashes and the recent two armored BMW of two hundred and twenty five million Naira that Stella just bought.
Stella was in her usual fine suit with a light brown lace wig. Baba Risi wondered why her makeup was so much but he decided not to tease her about it. Shebi he was here to make peace. Femi was wearing his usual post ministerial agbada and face your front cap. Baba Risi on his own part was in his usual white kaftan and skull cap. The organizers had promised him that he would anchor a presidential debate for the grassroots come 2015 if he did well in this one. And they paid him some good money too, so what was there to lose? In the courtroom, Rosco had rented a projector and the room was packed full with spectators watching their own Baba Risi. Of course, Rosco had made sure everyone paid a fee at the gate before entering.
“Welcome o, Nigerians. Femo and Stella, you too welcome,” Baba Risi began.
“its Mr. Fani-Kayode or FFK please. Who is your Femo?” Femi answered indignantly. He was only attending on the insistence of the APC stalwarts who were confident he would floor Stella. He missed PDP sha, these APC people just loved the media too much.
“Femo, calm down jor. We know where dem dey call you Femo now, abi make we begin talk ni?” Baba Risi asked, raising an eyebrow to dare him.
“FFK or I will walk out now,” Femi responded.
“Of course you will look for some excuse to run away with your tail between your legs to your puppet masters,” Stella shot at him.
“So you can see my puppet master through all the layers of caked foundation you have on?” Femi shot back.
“So you know that you are a puppet. Running your mouth anyhow, naming girls you have slept with, claiming fine Ibo women who are above you as girlfriends. You miss your big man daddy abi?”
Femi jumped up from his chair in anger. “You Ibos that we Yorubas of Lagos want to throw out? Or is it because we are accommodating you in our magnanimity?”
“Ogbeni Femo, you dey claim Lagosian? Gbagbe oshi o, abeg, I be Yoruba man, and I no support Femo for that one o. If Ibo no dey now, na so my Angela sef no go dey? Of which, Femo, two of us know now say you nearly beat that boy when he come your side dey sing ‘Sho le, ko le’ the other day because you think say na you e dey talk to.”
Stella burst out into laughter and Baba Risi joined her “so those things you are taking have finally started affecting you there abi? Sorry o”
“What? Baba Risi or what is your name? Are you not meant to be an impartial moderator here?”
“Ah, make una never start now. Oya, I will call you FFK, siddon where you dey.”
Femi relaxed back into his chair, feeling all smug at the little victory he had won. “Oya, make we start, straight to the matter, Madam Stella, why you carry two hundred and fifty million buy bullet proof motor? The motor wey you buy cost past Obama and pope own three times. Who you offend wey you need that kain motor?” Baba Risi asked.
“Thank you moderator. I am the Transforming Aviation Minister, unlike some of my predecessors who don’t even know anything about flying a kite, and some people are not happy about it. They have been threatening my life and we thought it best to provide additional protection to my person, hence the purchase of the car,” Stella responded.
“What in the world are you transforming into? So you are now a transformer like the movie abi? Please transform into an armored BMW now?” Femi Fani-Kayode jeered.
“Yes o, madam Stella, because transformer for our street just spoil and we need light.” Baba Risi chuckled.
“What is this? You people have concocted an ethnic Yoruba gang-up against me?” Stella said indignantly.
Femi laughed almost uncontrollably at Stella. Her makeup was smearing and she was looking red in the face, and the combination just kept him laughing
“Because plane still dey crash or nearly crash, and Femo wey dey laugh person, no be billion billion you sef suppose use for the flying wey we no see? Sikiru, my friend the dealer for Oniru say make I hail you as him good customer sef,” Baba Risi said, tongue in cheek.
“Baba Risi, what kind of accusations are these? Is this how you make peace? We are here to talk about someone calling a tragic crash an act of God and then who didn’t trust that God to protect her and went to buy armored cars of half a billion without any budget and due process.” Femi said, trying to calm himself down. The oga at the top in APC had warned him of this and advised that he should just remain calm. The focus was on Stella.
Baba Risi laughed amiably “Oya back to the matter, make open am before we close am. The question be say why the motor cost like that? Obama wey get Osama people and Taliban wey dey threaten am no need motor wey cost reach your own, even pope sef your motor na almost three times him own cost. Stella Stella, oya tell me for ear, how much be the motor gangan? You don pay your tithe sha? No go Spain do tummy tuck with the money o, because one Stella wey we all love before with pancake like your own go that side for the thing and e no return”
“Are you accusing me of something?” Stella said.
“Ahhhh, Stella! Kai, I like your boldface sha. Ole o da o, thief no good! If na me sef, my face go strong pass that one. But you know say this car no dey protect for Naija threats o. My baba for Ilisan for don give you one strong gbetugbetu wey nothing go fit touch you and you no go spend two hundred million. In fact, I dey propose now make government stop all this wastage on security come begin use our native security as cost cutting measure. Maybe dem go see money pay ASUU.”
“Yes, yes!” Femi enthused. This Baba Risi was flooring Stella so well he didn’t even need to say anything.
“Baba Risi, what kind of bush man are you? Who would rely on that nonsense that you are saying?” Stella responded, trying to intimidate Baba Risi. She didn’t know who she was dealing with. He burst into uncontrollable laughter.
“Shebi na one of the motor carry you come here? Make we do demonstration now now. Camera, una fit follow us go outside? The director nodded a yes, wondering what this erratic presenter the producer had brought in was up to. He couldn’t deny he had enjoyed the show so far though, so he decided to play along. Baba Risi got up and said “Stella, Femo, oya, come make we go see say khaki no be leather, bullet proof motor no be nothing if Naija people dey really threaten to kill you.”
They all got outside, with the camera crew and all the social media networks, chat engines and phone lines went on fire, urging people to tune in to Channels TV right away. The producer smiled where he was – this Baba Risi idea was pure genius.
The camera zoomed in on Fani-Kayode’s face and it caught him looking at the car lustfully. It seemed he wished he was the one who owned the car. It then focused on Baba Risi and Stella. “Oya, Madam Stella, shebi the reason for this car na say if you dey inside, nothing, even bazooka from Boko Haram no fit touch you abi?”
“Of course. With the technology, it can withstand a bomb blast. Once inside, I am safe.”
“Oya, enter, lock the door,” Baba Risi said.
The camera followed Stella as a member of her security detail opened the door to allow her in and then she locked it from inside. The camera then returned to Baba Risi, and everyone present and watching at home waited to see what he would do.
“Since I no wan make my enemies know me finish, na still the one wey una don see me use before I go use again, oya ofe, gbe mi”
With that, he disappeared from the camera screens. Everyone wondered what had happened as they looked around frenetically for him. It was Stella’s screams that drew their attention to the car. Seated beside her was a laughing Baba Risi. In Baba Risi’s Court, loud cheers rent the air from all the people watching the projected screen