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Baba Risi returns from his vacation with this one. He’ll be here with Sikiru the International Weed Seller of SagaySagay fame next week.
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Baba Risi sat on his new chair. That interview on Aljazeera was good, in fact, great for business. These days, all the politicians were courting him and in fact, he was making more from playing both the PDP and the new APC together than any motor park takings. He rubbed his tummy. That nonsense boy, Tunde Leye had tricked him into taking time off from the court, but he had used the time wisely. Now, that Shaki he had been eyeing was his wife. Life was good. And Shaki en, was just amazing. He felt a movement in his loins. This new case Rosco had brought had better bring in correct returns o.
The voice came over one of those megaphone type of speakers that all those people used on street evangelism. “HHPC!!!!!” the call came loud and clear. The response was equally deafening “Sacromatete to the People!” As they got closer and closer, the shouts kept getting louder. Baba Risi rubbed his hands together in expectation. It had to be a massive crowd that would be making that kind of noise. He called one of the smaller boys. “Na five hundred per person make you charge for entry today” and the boy nodded and scurried to the front to relay the news to Rosco.
Presently, the party got to the door. When they came in, it was just five people. Baba Risi rubbed his eyes. How could that be possible? Five people making all the noise he had been hearing? They approached the front of the court. Behind them, a gentleman in a safari suit with high shoulder pads and spectacles trudged. The five men each had megaphones, and the one with the largest megaphone who was clearly the leader was walking as if he was doing a dance to some music he alone could hear. Rosco led them to the front and the megaphone wielders stood to the right, while the bespectacled man stayed on the left. Baba Risi scanned his courtroom. This was all? Apart from the regular attendees, these people did not bring any crowd of their own to witness the case. Bad business. The clerk did not even have to shout his usual “order, order”. The spectators were that few. He hissed and growled “Wetin be una case?”
Bespectacled safari adjusted his glasses and said “It is these noisemakers o. They have daily meetings in our compound talking what we don’t want to hear. And they are not more than five, but they will still go and rent speakers, use megaphones and all manner of noisemaking to disturb all the neighbors. Abeg, why will five people need to use speakers and megaphones for a meeting? We have met them, reasoned with them, pleaded with them, all to no avail. We want them to stop it. They can keep having their meetings, but they should not disturb us with it.”
Baba Risi could hear the irritation in the man’s voice and he shared it too, but he quickly called the guy to order “Oga, you no get name? Abi you no know protocol for this court? Rosco, collect 1k fine from this man.”
Immediately, Rosco and another boy fell upon the man and frisked him. Amid snickers from the megaphone wielders, they took the fine from him.
“Now, wetin be your name?” Baba Risi asked.
“My name is Lorenzo Muchacha,” the man responded.
“Good, oya you these noise makers, make we hear una side of this matter,” Baba Risi said, turning to them.
The man put the megaphone to his mouth “My name is Romanus James, Esquire, JP,” he barked into the device.
“Whhhhhhaaaaaaaat!!!” Baba Risi screamed! “Eyin boys!’
Rosco and the boys responded in unison “e gba oju e” and rushed to the megaphone wielders, dishing out one slap per man and collecting their megaphones from them. When that was done, Baba Risi said to Romanus who was not seeing quite clearly yet after Rosco’s slap
“Dem send you come make me deaf? Abi why I go dey your front, you go still dey use amplifier? You better borrow yourself brain. Oya talk your matter now now.”
Still holding a hand to his burning face Romanus repeated “my name is Romanus James, Esquire, JP, Aspiring GCON and founder and president of the newest, hottest colossus on the firmament of the political landscape of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, HHPC.”
“En? Which one be HHPC again o?” Baba Risi asked with raised eyebrows.
“HHPC stands for Haba Habatically People’s Congress. We the people are saying Haba to the political moguls who are meandering our nation towards oxbow lakes, turbid waterfalls and blackholes. We are poised to save Nigeria from the crinkum crankum and the political higgy hagga or if you like, the synecdoche of clannish clownish leadership that has led our nation to the precipice of a stupendous conundrum, from the dark cumulus and the gagarntum giga cirrus clouds that becloud our political firmament, from the fictitious and fabricated umbrum of figures and statistics that have no import and report on the daily situational position of the populace ad infinitum and causes our nation to be odiferous to the international commune of fiscal independencies, leading us to a macabre dance on the edges of a political Bermuda triangle, from the complex cataclysm that threatens our collective wellbeing. It is from these dragons, these multi-level headed hydra that we have emerged as the light, the chivalrous knights in shinning armour, to deliver what we have coined SACROMATETE to the people”
As he spoke, his team of four cheered every big word he said. Baba Risi’s jaws almost dropped to the ground. Wetin this one dey talk?
“Oga, is it with this your five people making noise with megaphones that you wan bring Sacro-worefa? Who are your key officers and where una offices dey?”
“Sir, I urge and beseech you not to despise our days of infinitesimal progenitation. Our struggle is in no way quixotic, but one which is true and which emulates the heroes past like Lenin and Mao. This core that stands before, inconspicuous as it seems, you is the ideological pedagogical core of our gigally gagally great party. My humble self serves as president, secretary, treasurer and financial secretary of the party. Before you here, all the other men take up the other posts. As for offices, once our registration with INEC scales through, and we have no valid reason to doubt that we will prevail, we will receive an endowment which will enable us open offices at a geometric rate. We are building our twitter army that will be revealed at the correct time. I don’t want to reveal our follower count as this is a trade secret. We will capture the center come 2015, and then all the people will have Sacromatete!” he pumped his fist in the air for emphasis and his companions began to chant boisterously “sacromatete, sacromatete.” Baba Risi could not help himself. He burst into peels of laughter as he watched the stupidity before him.
The clerk finally got to shout “order, order,” before things calmed down.
“Una dey collect dues?” Baba Risi asked
“Yes, all party members make their payments and donations to the treasurer who along with the financial secretary administers this.”
“And who again you talk say be the treasurer and financial secretary?” Baba Risi pressed.
“Sir, my humble person performs willing servitude to this great party in both capacities.” Romanus responded with a dramatic bow.
Baba Risi looked at the other party members and wondered how they could not see Romanus’ racket. He looked at the complainant too and felt his pain. If he was in the man’s shoes, he would probably have killed someone to have to be listening to amplified higga higgy and sacromatete daily.
But Romanus was mouthing something to him silently, and if he read right, the man was saying “abeg no truncate this hustle,” Baba Risi read his lips say.
“Na my judgment be this. First, freedom of association dey this country, so I no go say make una no do una meeting.”
The HHPC members cheered and whistled and Baba Risi watched Romanus mouth a thank you to him, even as Mr. Lorenzo the complainant protested.
“Order, order,” the clerk shouted and the court calmed. These guys were a noisy bunch.
“I never finish,” Baba Risi said. “Until you get reach hundred members, una no fit use any megaphone, speaker, microphone at all.”
“Yes!” Mr. Lorenzo exclaimed punching his fist in the air. He doubted this crowd would ever grow to even twenty.
“I still never finish, and person wey interrupt my judgement next go pay 2k fine!” The courtroom became instantly quiet. Baba Risi continued “Mr. Romanus, if you no know, every political party wey dey this area dey pay something for awon boys here,” he waved at Rosco and the boys who grinned “for their weekly ward meetings, to avoid any stories that touch. So for every meeting wey una go get, ten percent of the dues wey una go collect must come to this court.” Baba Risi got up.
The HHPC members began to grumble out aloud in protest and Baba Risi sat back down “I don finish before, but now, I never finish, and since una interrupt me, Rosco!” Immediately, Rosco and the boys searched them and took the two thousand naira fine Baba Risi had prescribed.
“Una still get another thing to talk?” he asked after that was done. None of them spoke. He laughed and then winked at Romanus who did not smile back. “Court!” the clerk shouted as everyone began to go their way.
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