Alright, by popular demand, especially from Nelly on my BB and @Ameikpe on twitter, here’s another episode of the ebullient Baba Risi’s Court.
After the whole courtroom sat enjoying the bread and tea Musa had served, the clerk called the court to order. “The next case is from Mr. Kamson.”
With that, Kamson stepped forward. There was nothing remarkable about his appearance except for his shiny bald head, and Baba Risi braced himself for another boring case.
The clerk continued to read the case “Mr. Kamson here says that his phone was stolen and wants this court to help him get the phone back.”
“Mr. Kamson, shay you know wetin this court dey charge for search and rescue operation like this one?” Baba Risi asked.
“Yes sir,” Kamson responded with a slight accent.
“Good. Which area and which time dem collect the phone?” Baba Risi questioned further.
“Near car park, like 1PM today” Kamson responded.
“Rosco!” Baba Risi hollered and he came running from the door area.
“Baba, your boy is loyal,” he said, throwing two hands in the air.
“Which of these boys dey work for afternoon shift for motor park area for today?” Baba Risi queried
“Baba, na Blood Tonic dey that side today,” Rosco responded.
“Oya, call am say make he report for here in the next five minutes with all the phones things wey he harvest today.”
Rosco immediately made the call and informed Baba Risi that Blood Tonic would arrive two minutes later as he was in the vicinity.
“Oga Kamson, abeg which kain phone be your own sef?” Baba Risi asked.
“Cos I like high tech, my phone is the latest in town, BBQ10. Less than one week. Those boys are mean men,” he again said with his Americana accent.
“Okay now,” Baba Risi said, sipping on his tea.
Moments later, a very light skinned guy with a thick scar across the right side of his head and many smaller ones all over his exposed arms entered the courtroom. He had a knapsack on his back and he went straight to the front of the room and first greeted Rosco before going to salute Baba Risi, stomping one foot on the ground and saying “twale baba. Your boys are forever loyal, Blood Tonic reporting for duty!”
“Ogun Eje, wey blood no dey fear, mo recognize presence e!” Baba Risi hailed back. Blood Tonic was one of the senior agberos and so Baba Risi acknowledged him. During the war for supremacy during Baba Risi’s rise, Blood Tonic had been one of the key lieutenants that helped him win, and the scar on his head was from that war. He had been rewarded with running the afternoon rush hour stealing racket in the busy motor park.
“Wetin happen be say, dem collect this man phone when for your boys shift today, and as he don come here, you know as e dey go,” Baba Risi said.
Blood Tonic nodded and then asked “which kain phone e be?”
“Na BB, that latest one, wetin dem dey call am again sef?”
“Baba na Q10,” Rosco volounteered.
“Na the name be that,” Baba Risi said.
“Wetin be your phone number,” Blood Tonic asked Kamson.
“08035216540” he responded and the clerk noted it down
Blood Tonic quietly set his sack down and then emptied its contents on the floor. There were at least a fifty phones in the head and he signaled Kamson “oga, oya point your phone give us.”
Kamson stepped forward and looked through the phones on the floor. He went to a white Q10 in the head and picked it.
“This is my phone” he said, presenting it to Baba Risi.
“Oya, on the phone.” Blood Tonic ordered Kamson.
Kamson struggled with the phone for like a minute, trying to turn it on, until it was obvious to everyone that he had never handle a Q10 before in his life.
“Oga Americana, you don’t know how to turns on your phone again ni?” Blood Tonic asked mockingly.
“You heediot thief that should be h-arrested. You h-are h-attempting to mock me while h-emphasizing your hes” Kamson responded, his accent was gone now, replaced by a chronic h factor.
Blood Tonic laughed derogatively and took the phone from Kamson and then facing the courtroom so Kamson would not see what he was doing, he simply pressed the power button at the top of the phone and then powered it on. As if to emphasize his point, he handed the phone over to Kamson and said “oya, off the phone.”
Again, Kamson fiddled with the phone without any success and the whole courtroom joined Blood Tonic in laughing at him.
Blood Tonic then picked one china phone and turned it on. He then asked one of the spectators for their phone number and that one came forward with her phone.
The moment he dialed that number from the china phone, the lady’s phone rang.
“Oya, read the number wey dey call you out,” Blood Tonic ordered.
“Zero Eight Zero Tiri Two One Sis Five Four Zero” the woman read out, before the call was cut off.
“Haaaaa,” Baba Risi shouted “oju ole re! So you come lie to this court Kamson abi Kamorudeen! Lie and thief, wetin be the difference o, my people? Okay now, na my judgment be this. First, you must pay the correct fee for this wahala to this court. Na ten percent of the cost of the phone be the fee, so that na twelve thousand, since you say your phone na Q10. Blood Tonic, how mush you dey sell this Q10?”
“Baba, na 70K we dey sell am,” Blood Tonic answered.
“Correct, Mr. Kamson, since I be fair man, we go give you your phone back. But as you like Q10 like that, you must to buy this Q10 from Blood Tonic. Him know as he go collect him money for your hand!”
“Haaaaa, have mercy now,” Kamson said, falling on his knees.
That musician in Baba Risi’s court raised another Fela song
“You be thief,” and the people responded “I no be thief”
You be robber
I no be robber…
Blood Tonic hustled Kamson out of the court room amidst the singing.