Archive | July 2013

Rekiya’s Tale – Episode 7

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Enjoy Rekiya’s Tale.


It’s amazing how a certain thing feels like the most important thing in the world. You are pursuing this something with all you have. You eat it, sleep it, dream it and scheme it. Every step you take is geared towards this something. And then another something happens. And in that moment, the first something loses all its importance and the new something takes over your life.

Before I felt that pain, all I could think of was my scheme with Fafa. But in that moment, the baby reminded me that it was alive and kicking in my tummy. I waited for that pain to come again, but it didn’t. if I hadn’t been the one that felt it, I would have even began to feel like I had imagined it all.

Fafa had asked in alarm as I yelped “Reks what is it? What’s happening to you?”

“it’s nothing, really. Just the baby,” I had responded, downplaying things. I didn’t want her worrying and fussing about me. Being pregnant doesn’t make one an invalid, contrary to popular male and never been pregnant female belief. I directed the conversation back to where it was meant be. The questions she was meant to ask were meant to lead to talk about the Niger Delta and oil bunkering operations going on there.

“that’s not a problem. We just need him to think you know some of the top militants, that’s all.” I said.

“it’s okay, I can swing that easily.” She responded. It was true. Men around Fafa just wanted to hear her talk and they would believe she had the president’s direct number if she wanted them to believe that.

“How far with the online thing? Have you started?” she asked.

“Been busy with these files all morning. Would get to that now,” I responded.

“Okay, no problem. My guy is working on the photo and the other thing. I’ll pick it up once I’m done with this date and bring em home,” she said.

“No yawa, cash ya laira!” I said and hung up.

By online thingy, here’s what she meant. Fafa is the one that loves all the twitter, facebook and instagram things. She tells me she has met some of the most interesting people in all those places, but as for me, I’d rather see people physically before deciding whether I wanted to be their friend or even have continuous conversations with them. But today, she had asked me to select as many of the old pictures I had taken together with Ochuko. The pictures had to be different occasions and places. i didn’t have Instagram so I had Duke open an account for me.

Then I set about uploading all the photos on Facebook and Instagram, with all sorts of romantic captions. In all, I uploaded seventy on FB, but because I got tired of the Instagram thingy, I put only thirty.

“Duke, can you get your friends to like my Instagram photos?” I asked. It was more of an instruction than a request though. He gave me a look that said “see how the thing is shacking this one” and then said “sure ma.” I didn’t bother with the Facebook pictures. It didn’t look out of place because even the few pictures that were there before didn’t have any comments.

After that, I dug into the work I was actually paid to do.

The pain came again on the drive home. This time though it was less intense. “it’s probably normal, and anyway it’s already subsiding sef. I’m sure I’ll sleep it out,” I said to myself.

I got home before Fafa and impatiently sat in front of the TV. I was trying hard to concentrate on the documentary on Nat Geo Wild, but who was I kidding? And that foolish Farida wasn’t picking her calls.

She came in at about eleven. I had dozed off on the couch but she had let herself in and shook me until I woke up.

“Madam, I would have woken up if you just called my name,” I said in annoyance.

“who took this one’s bread, abi is that how you welcome someone who has been working her ass off for you home? Come on, at least use me as target practice for how you’ll welcome your husband home.”

“You know you’re very annoying abi?” I said.

“But of course. Annoying you is my hobby. How else would we prove to the world that you are not a robot?”


“For you baby, for you. And this witch has produced it.” She waved an envelope in the air. I tried to snatch it from her but she was too quick.

“Didn’t your mummy teach you not to grab? Say please.” She said, sticking her tongue out.

“Farida Azare, if you don’t hand that thing over now, I will… Oya please,” I said.

She shinned her teeth and then gave it to me.

From it, I extracted the biggest of the contents. It was a wedding certificate from the Ikoyi Registry for my wedding to Ochuko.

“She brought out a similar certificate from her bag and I put the two side by side. “if I didn’t know that this was a forgery, there’s absolutely no way I could have known.” I exclaimed.

“You don’t know those Oluwole boys. They can bring out anything once you give them a sample. And it’s a picture of the certificate we need anyway, so it will do just fine.”

Then I emptied the other contents of the envelope onto the couch. I could not believe my eyes.

“how in the world did you get this done, Fafa? Na to begin fear you o,” I said, eyes wide with disbelief. I was holding in my hands a picture of Ochuko and I on our wedding day.

“My dear innocent and offline Rekiya,” Fafa said, patting my head “you will be surprised at what people can make happen with all sorts of computer paparazzi these days. Again, under close scrutiny, this will fail, but since we’re taking a picture of this hardcopy, it will be hard to tell that it’s a fake.”

With that, she took the photos and certificate from me and set them carefully on the dining table. She took a picture of each and then settled into the couch to chat with her group member who had given her Ochuko’s London gist.

“Babe, I have gist for you o. Your friend and someone I know have entered Ochuko’s one chance,” she began the chat. It took like ten minutes for the message to deliver and in that time we assumed every acrobatic position under the sun searching for network. Thankfully, it seemed her friend was holding her BB. She read the message immediately and responded.

“who be Ochuko o?” she asked. She had apparently forgotten their former conversation and since she knew him under another name, it had not clicked.

Farida quickly sent him the same picture she had posted in their BB group the previous time and the lady said

“ah, the nonsense guy. What atrocity has he committed again?”

Fafa:     Shebi you said he is married to your friend with kids?

Salz:     Yeah, against sensible advice she allowed him use her get his papers.

Fafa:     I don’t know what all these babes are thinking o. He married the babe I told you about o, here in Naija.

Salz:     it’s a lie. You have got to be kidding me.

Fafa:     No joke o. they are Mr. and Mrs. Now. And I have proof.

Fafa sent her the picture of the marriage certificate.

Salz:     *bbsurprisedsmiley* Serious matter. This guy will never change. And I warned this girl, she will not listen. See the mess she’s gotten herself into now.

Fafa:     Wait, I have one of those wait and get party venue pictures here, let me snap and send to you.

Salz:     Oya, I’m *bbwaitingsmiley*

Fafa waited for the appropriate time it should take to snap a photo and then sent it to her.

Salz:     Oh Ehm Geeee. It is true. It is effing true.

Fafa:     Which one is it is true now? Will I now be giving you fake gist ni? Oya search for Rekiya Reks on Facebook or IamReks on Instagram.

Salz:     Haba, it’s not like that now, I was just very shocked ni. This dude is just heartless men.

Fafa:     He is, but it’s our friends who are gullible jor. Didn’t you warn your friend? Didn’t I warn this one too? But she still went to go and marry.

Salz:     Na true sha.

Fafa:     Yes o. that’s why me I don’t leave eye down for any guy. Abeg it’s not worth it. Anyway, I’m out sha, I just said I should nack you tory, as e dey hot ni

Salz:     No probs. Take kia.

Within ten minutes of the chat, I got a new follow on twitter from a @sexysally. Then a friend request came in on Facebook from Sally Oyinbra Woko. Finally, a Sally Woko became part of my Instagram crowd. We enlarged the twitter handle’s AVI and Fafa confirmed it was her Salz.

“Kai, people and aproko sha. See the speed she came to check out these social media things. And she was forming “haba” on BB o”

We both laughed, waited for like ten minutes before accepting her friend requests. I imagined her saving the pictures on her BB and screengrabbing the instagram ones before calling her friend up, armed with “facts” to show her what her hubby was doing in Naija.

“There’s one more thing I’ve done” Fafa said and then called someone “oya, tell them to post the story now,” she said.

I looked at her wondering what she was thinking. Minutes later, she brought her iPad and handed it over to me. She handed over her Note 2 to me too. On the iPad, Linda Ikeji’s blog was open. The story “Very Bad Sharp Nigger”.  It had the picture of Ochuko and wife in UK and Ochuko and I in front of the Ikoyi registry.

“You are mad Fafa, this is too much now. It could backfire you know?”

“Do you really want to get this guy?” she asked earnestly.

I nodded.

“Then let’s go the whole nine yards.”

I sighed. I guess I really didn’t have a choice. “you haven’t told me about your date o,” I said.

“Ahh, that one. I have him. And while we were at it, you remember that my friend in Port Harcourt I’m always saying changes his number like anything?”

“Yup yup,” I responded.

“Well, the reason he changes it that frequently is because of his business. He’s a bunkerer. Once I mentioned his name, your oga knew him. Seems they need someone just like that for this their deal. I told him I could get the guy.  He’s yet to tell me the details, but we’ll get it. He’ll talk soon, the moment I can find what number that bozo uses now and get them to talk once.”

I rubbed my chin “sounds good. I’ll try to find out what I can from Ochuko too,” I said.

“You have to do it right my dear. The easiest way to get a man to talk about such stuff is to pretend its above you and that you really don’t understand what he is saying. So you have to practice appearing un-smart.”

“Yes, aunty,” I said and bowed low.

My phone rang out loud and I grabbed it angrily

“why the hell is this one calling at this time of the night?” It was Ochuko calling and I nearly did not pick it. Fafa pressed the green button and put it on speaker.

“Hey boo,” I said, pretending to be sleepy.

“Sweetheart, how are you? Hope I didn’t wake you up?” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “you know you are the only one allowed to do that,” I managed to say.

“there’s an emergency and I have to fly out to UK tomorrow evening. And unfortunately, I have a string of meetings all day, so we won’t be able to see before I leave.”

“An an, what is this emergency and how long are

“there’s an emergency and I have to fly out to UK tomorrow evening. And unfortunately, I have a string of meetings all day, so we won’t be able to see before I leave.”

“An an, what is this emergency and how long are you gone for o?”

“it’s business stuff dear. A huge deal will fall through if I don’t get there. Should be able to sort it out in a week and I’ll be back. I’ll miss you, okay?”

“I’ll miss you more dear.” I responded.

“Gotta go now, love you,” he said and hung up.

Fafa’s eyes danced as she said “Sisi Salz no dey slack. She has reach the Mrs. already.”

That night, as I lay in bed and tried to sleep, the pain came again, milder than even the second time. It would be gone by morning.

wedding glue



I tweeted yesterday that I’d begin posting short series by new and established writers from today and every Thursday going forward, as long as there are submissions. It’s to give the opportunity of expression for gifts that might not have a platform as this, and to bring even more varied writing to you, the reader. The song is fading in… hope we can all hear it. The first of these is HUSH from Femi. It’s a three part series and this is the 1st part.  Enjoy and please comment to encourage and critique the writers.



I loved watching him sleep. He looked extremely handsome when he slept. He lay there, breathing softly. I could see every elegant eyelash, his strong arms, his kind face, his full lips… God I loved this man! We were the cutest couple ever!

I was quite beautiful myself. I had won the beauty pageant in my university, I was 21 then. I was a coveted girl in school and could have any guy I wanted and have them I did. I was a bit of a party girl and a flirt, I had done drugs and had countless hangovers, I was heading down the path of destruction before my parents decided to send me the U.S., to do my masters’ program they said.

If they thought that that would deter me, they were wrong. It wasn’t long before I got pregnant; I wasn’t even sure who the father was. Some white bloke I guess. My parents were livid and threatened to get me back home.

I gave birth to the most beautiful girl ever, she was beyond pretty. She looked like a chubby little angel with the cutest smile. I named her Zoë because she was like new life to me.  Thank God she looked like me and that gave me extreme pride. It also saddened me because I was alone. My parents didn’t want to see me anymore, they said I was a waste and did not deserve any support from them. I had disappointed them gravely and there was just no coming back for me. Proud, rich Yoruba parents tend to do that. The birth of my baby girl changed me, I loved my daughter, I loved her deeply and at that moment when I held her for the first time, I promised myself that I would be with her forever. I had to stop school and look for a job. Despite my party ways, I had good grades. I found a part time program for mass communication and also found a part time job with a reasonable weekly wage; I got a crap apartment to live in while I juggled motherhood, school and work. Then I met him. I met Daniel.

He had come for a program at the school. He looked lost as he wandered around looking for where he had his classes. He was my age but he smelt of success. He had asked for directions as to where his class was and God knows I stammered a bit. I had met a lot of good looking guys but, he was different. He had a classy look to him. He had thanked me profusely before getting my number for what he said was a thank-you date. I had been skeptical, but the allure was just too much to ignore, I hadn’t been on a date in ages and he just looked too damn good! We had gone out, I had fallen in love almost immediately and the rest as they say is history.

We dated. He was delighted to meet my daughter and she took to him and they became almost inseparable. He loved her fiercely and I could only imagine how he’d treat his own kids. He was successfully running his own consulting firm that found solutions for network and cable stations.  I was the happiest I had ever been. I told him all my secrets and he accepted me just like that. He usually joked that I was lucky that I was hot and that was what diluted everything for him. My life was perfect.

Then I got sick.

It was cancer. It was a slow degenerative disease that was killing me. Daniel was distraught. He spent a lot of money caring for me. I felt guilty, I was convinced that the cancer was as a result of my past life and not once did Daniel comment about it or blame me. He was too good to be true. As the disease progressed, I decided to go home and reconcile with my parents. If a little cancer couldn’t soften them up, I didn’t know what would. Daniel had not laughed at that joke; he had scowled and said I shouldn’t laugh at that.

We had come to Nigeria and met with my parents. It was a bitter sweet experience. It was a shame that it took me being sick to bring us back together. They had taken a liking to Daniel. He was courteous, successful and yes, Yoruba. That kept my strict parents happy. Daniel had bought a house for us to live in while we were in the country; it was a quaint little place that was at the quiet side of an already quiet estate. We had a nanny for Zoë and the house was spacious enough with everything for my comfort while Daniel ran a little business for the period we were to be here. I had the drugs to keep me going and a nurse that was close by. Daniel commented that he hated seeing me this way and that it tore him up inside, he had never been religious but, he started taking God seriously and was praying fervently for my healing.

And then a miracle happened.

I woke up one morning and everything was fine, I felt great, the sickness seemed to have left me and I felt as good as new. Daniel shed tears of joy to see me as well as did Zoë. I was happy again.

So watching this man, who was ready to give up everything for me, was breathtaking. He looked so sexy. My main attraction to him was the fact that he didn’t seem to notice the effect he had on women everywhere. I saw the way they eyed him when we went on strolls round the estate or when he went grocery shopping. But he seemed oblivious to it all. I frowned a little. Daniel was sweating and had a disturbed look on his handsome face. Maybe he was dreaming. It didn’t look like a good dream, he didn’t look too happy.

He awoke with a start with my name on his lips. I was startled, he looked towards me and then around the room. He was probably still getting used to the new surroundings, he was breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself down.

“Honey, are you okay?” I asked.

He kept breathing heavily for a bit and slowly but surely his breathing returned to normal. He hugged his knees and sat with his back against the headboard. He was unshaven, just the way I liked him. He was shirtless and I could see his broad chest and rippling muscles, they looked quite appealing. He had on a pair of long johns and he was playing with his toes, the way he did when he was nervous about something. I decided to try again.

“Honey, are you okay?”

He took a deep breath.

“I dreamt about you again.” He said quietly.

“Oh honey. I hate it when you have those dreams”

“I saw you, you know.” He was speaking in a low measured voice, slowly, quietly. That’s what he did when he was masking an emotion. Anger, pain, fear. He always did that. I just wanted him to feel better.

“But I’m fine now.”

“I really hated seeing you in that state. Weak, scared and brave. You were always brave.” I blushed slightly.

“That was because you gave me the strength to be brave.” I hugged him. It must have been cold because he shivered slightly. These were the moments I loved him the most, the vulnerable ones, the times where I had the chance to be there for him and not the other way round.

“Go back to bed honey.” I said. He lay down quietly and I held him until he fell asleep.

It was night again. Daniel was asleep. It had been an uneventful day. I had lain in bed for the most of it. I watched Chi Chi the house help care for Zoë giving her instructions on what to do. She didn’t seem to be listening, but she did as she was bid. I hated Chi Chi. Call me paranoid but I think she has eyes for Daniel. My biggest issue with her was that, she was hot. She had luscious black hair quiet seductive eyes, full lips and a huge bosom. I didn’t like that. Behind the barely comprehensible English and the tattered clothes, lay a beautiful girl and that worried me. I was against hiring her, but Daniel said she was good with Zoë. I had seen the way she looks at him sometimes and I could see the desire in her eyes. I had spoken to Daniel about it. He had smiled and mumbled ‘silly’. I did feel silly. I had no reason to suspect Daniel of any wrongdoing, but the hatred remained and now every time I saw her, my temperature just went up and I would have loved nothing more than to throttle her. Due to this, I had decided to spend more time with Zoë. So I watched her play dollhouse, have fake tea parties and teach an imaginary class. Zoë was beautiful. She was 5 now and said the funniest things. I considered getting her into the little miss sunshine contest when we got back home, I smiled to myself. My baby was too beautiful for words. She had flowing long jet black hair. She also had a chocolate effect to her, the only reminder of the mistake that was her father. Most of the baby fat was gone and what was left was a fit and healthy girl. I sat and watched as she her pour nonexistent tea out of her small china pot for (ironically) Mrs. Potts while playing pretend. I frowned. She had a little black coloring under her eyes, maybe she wasn’t sleeping well. But she was smiling and fawning over her guests so I thought nothing more of it.

Now Daniel and I lay in bed together, my hatred for Chi Chi still burning strongly. He had his back to me as he hugged himself to sleep. What a baby! I smiled. I nudged him. He turned slowly in bed and faced me. He opened his eyes slowly. I took in his perfect face and I beamed, then frowned at the thought of that bitch, Chi Chi, getting her hands on him. I couldn’t wait for us to get married, that’ll teach the bitch. I leaned forward to kiss him, my lips were about to meet his when I heard it. It was a blood curdling scream.



Rekiya’s Tale – Episode 6

Right, so my FLY song (on the head banner) is finally ready. You can download it here Please share the song and the link everywhere and anywhere you can. BB, Twitter, FB and your blogs. Here’s an image to use. Oh, and one of the things I’d love to do is remix this with 2Face Idibia. Now that would be something.

Tunde Leye Fly Badt 1

Enjoy Today’s Rekiya’s Tale

Everyone has an oversized opinion of themselves; it is the degree to which this opinion is oversized that is debatable and not the fact that it is. When you find that degree and you can magnify the person’s importance in your life to that degree, you will get whatever you want from that person. You just have to endure their preening while you are at it.

When I sat opposite Ochuko that evening, I saw him in a new light. There’s something that happens to you when the lovey dovey scales fall off your eyes and you truly see a person with some objectivity. Here was a guy with an overinflated opinion of his own irrestability and charm. I decided to play to that gallery. I was saying

“Ochuko, I don’t know what came over me; it must have been the stress of the pregnancy.”

He smiled; a preening, conceited smile. I swallowed. This was going to be the hardest part of the pretense; because what I truly felt like doing was to lift the heavy metal chair and bash his head in. He was fiddling with stuff on the table again.

“I just know that I can’t live without you, all of you or some of you, and I’m not going to let this,” I tapped my tummy, “get in the way.” I continued saying.

“So what are you saying Rekiya? I was already gathering myself together to move on, you know my life is not so straightforward” he responded.

In my head, I said shut up you fool. Out aloud, I said “I know it’s me you love Ochuko, and you just need time to sort things out with that woman in UK. I’m with you in this baby, I don’t know how I’m going to go on if you truly move on and I never see you again.”

I saw a smile steal across his face so briefly that if I hadn’t been observing him closely I would not have noticed it. How many times had he smiled such smiles that I had not noticed when love was doing me gishgish? He was saying now “and your father? I recall that he threatened to kill me the last time we saw…”

“Look, I will handle my father. He has never really liked you, but as long as it was you I wanted, he respected my wishes. He will respect my wishes if I say it’s you I still want. Couples go through thick and thin, and they go through it together, make sacrifices for each other. That’s what this love is about, if it’s to be true.”

“And the complication?” he asked, pointing to my tummy.

“I’m handling that too. I’ll play along with my dad and see the doctor he suggested to take it out. It won’t get it in the way.”

This time, he could not help himself. He grinned from ear to ear like an imp.

“This is what I’ve been trying to tell you since baby. I want you, want you bad, but things just got complicated and I decided it was time to come out clean so you could make an informed choice. And baby, I’m glad you chose to stick with me.”

With that, I crossed over to his side of the cozy chair and wrapped my hands around him, sobbing quietly. “I thought I was going to lose you, I was so scared,” I said through the sobs.

“I’m never leaving baby, never.”

In the midst of the sobs, I smiled. I had him.

I then looked into his eyes, smiled and said breathily “thank you dear, for letting me have you,” and before he could say anything stupid that would not make me go through with it, I kissed him passionately. I had chosen The Penthouse for this purpose. The eating areas were demarcated and secluded in such a way that, even if you were the naughty ones that wanted to play out some imaginations, you could do so without being seen by other diners

When all the kissing and petting was over, I shook myself laughing and said, “now, Mr, I need to go to the loo to redo this makeup that you have smeared so well.” He laughed too as I went.

In the loo, I quickly dialed Fafa. I went straight to the matter, cos I didn’t want to take long

“Babe, he has swallowed the bait. The guy thinks he’s so badt that somebody cannot do without him. Mtchew.  How far with your end?” I said.

“Hehehe, na so. My end is tight. I changed my name on BB and added him up. His guard is still up now, as I still have some generic DP up. He’s asking all sorts of questions. But I know that once I change the picture to mine, na man. He will consider himself the luckiest man on earth to get a babim like me on a platter of gold. He’ll have to be a monk not to swallow the bait.”

I let out a soft laugh. “See you soon, lemme discharge this one.” With that, I cut the connection and touched my face up. There’s one thing most men do not hurry a woman on and it’s making herself up so I took my time. I looked at myself in the mirror. The face that stared back at me was one that seemed strained, not the happy one that had looked back for months now. I shook my head. The reason for my pain was sitting out there, and I would focus on that.

The rest of the evening went remarkably well after that hard part was done. We fell into old habits, old jokes resurfaced and I actually had a good time. By the time we left that night, he was comfy.

Farida was waiting for me at home this time, not with alcohol but for once in her life, she hear word and made a sumptuous dinner of fried rice with salad, dodo and turkey. Over dinner, with some presenter on the new ELTV speaking fo-ne that I don’t understand in the background, she gave me the gist of how it went with my MD.

It had been a good idea never to have introduced her to my MD before now. I somehow manage to keep my personal and professional spheres of life separate and I hardly put up personal pictures on my professional BB so he didn’t know her. Now, he was already talking dates and a trip to Dubai together with her within hours of adding her. Fafa was educating me further

“This is what you need to be looking for. You probably will not get a direct answer from anyone to find it. But when you have eliminated every other thing that is impossible, whatever is remaining, no matter how implausible it sounds is the truth. So don’t rule anything you arrive at out.”

The good thing about being trusted P.A is that I have access to all the files, and if there is one that I don’t have, I can get. Who would deny me a file in the company? What if oga needed it urgently and they didn’t make it available. No one would want to find out, so I knew I’d get everything I needed. I simply understand the business too well since I was a part of it from the start. So taking her words to heart, I began a meticulous search of my laptop after dinner, extracting every relevant information exchange and document that had to do with the transaction we were doing with Ochuko’s company. It was 1AM when I thought I had isolated all I could from the e-copies of documents and correspondences. When I got to work later in the morning, I would sift through the hardcopy files and come back home with them. Fafa would find out what could never be in files from my oga during their date that day and we would compare all to get the full picture later the next day.

Next morning, I was up on time and had a full English breakfast, thanks to Aunty Farida before stepping out. She insisted I eat for the baby even if I didn’t want to eat for myself. “I know your plan is to make me fat and ugly, but I have the formula for eating without getting fat now” I told her as I gulped the food down. I was truly hungry anyway, I was grateful for it. She looked at me with mock seriousness and said “babe, you are sitting on a billion dollar business then. Everyone thinks every girl’s dream is to get married to some charming prince. Wrong. Our dream is to be able to eat all we want without getting fat. Oya, let’s sell your formula and watch the stack of paper grow!’

I laughed as I dressed up and she did the dishes (yes, I came to dress up in the kitchen to continue the gist). Before I left the house, she modeled the dress she was wearing for the date with my MD for me and danced to Flavour’s Baby Oku in it. Let’s just say that he was dead meat. This girl no well one bit.

I met both my assistants already at their desks when I got to the office. I had divided up the files I would need into three parts before leaving home. I sent Duke to get one set, and then Somto to get the other. Finally, I got the third set myself. That way, no one but me would know what I was really looking for. To be doubly sure, I added some irrelevant files into the mix so that to anyone else, it was a jumble of stuff. I quickly assembled what I was looking for and stacked them away under my table, picking what I needed per time from the pile. I set to work quickly

When my boss came in at about ten thirty, he was looking super sharp. Brand new haircut, a jacket I hadn’t seen on him before with a pocket square, patent leather shoes, one of those his specially tailored shirts and a Hermes belt. I laughed internally because I knew it was all for Fafa. I gave him some minutes to settle down, before I went in and told him all about the night before. He was so happy I had taken his advice and was sorting things out with Ochuko. Ewu. I chipped in that Ochuko had said something about being relieved that he didn’t have to come to our office to discuss the big deal he was doing with us under the previous circumstances. And then I asked, “which deal, because I’m sure it’s not that one we had that meeting for that day that he’s calling big o.”

I noticed he was floundered and it took him some moments to search for the right answer before he simply said

“it’s a new deal jare, early stages. Good he can come and go here in the atmosphere of love like he said.”

Fafa had said he would not volunteer any info anyway, so I was not surprised that he answered so vaguely. What his reaction told me though was that whatever it was they were doing, it was something that bordered in that hazy place between the legality and illegality, and it was closer to the illegal. Now this in itself is not a bad thing, it happens fairly regularly in our business. But his hesitation was curious. I changed the topic and he was visibly relieved I didn’t probe further.

“So, which of your catches is in town that is the inspiration for this your decking up today o, because e no get part two”.

“Hehehe, this one is new and fresh, and she’s manna from heaven. If you see the babe en, you will know that good things are still in this world. And she will be mine utunu.” He touched his lips and raised the finger to heaven to emphasize his point. I laughed and simply said “sha be careful”.

“Don’t worry, she won’t bite” he responded.

No one had been that wrong in a long time.

Two hours later, he stopped by at my desk on his way out and said with a wink “wish me luck”.

I had found something in the hardcopy files that was like a red flag. I hadn’t found it by looking; I more or less stumbled upon it because of an error in spelling. But as things happen, that error made me focus on that area some more and voila, I saw what I was looking for, clear as crystal. The moment he was gone, I went into the restroom and called Fafa “he’s on his way, wrapped like a Christmas gift. And my search has yielded something interesting. So here’s what you’re going to ask him about…”

It was then I felt the sharp pain in my tummy for the first time.


Baba Risi’s Court – The List


Baba Risi New

Baba Risi sat in the courtroom watching the goings and the comings. Rosco and the boys were settling everyone in and it was looking like a good day was in the offing. These days, they had a steady crowd of spectators at every sitting. That interview with Femi Oke had really done wonders. He had two interview offers now that he was considering. One was from those people that disgraced Oga at the top on Channels. They wanted him to come and discuss the release of that Al-Mustapha with oga OPC, Frederick Faseun. But the other one was the one that appealed to him more. They had invited him to come and discuss madam Ngozi’s cake theory of national development with her and Mallam Sanusi on NTA.

The clerk’s shout of “order, order,” brought him back to the courtroom.

“Which case be the next one,” he asked in a loud voice.

“Na Maazi Longinus Obikanson against Mr. Chamberlain”

“Oya, make una come front,” Baba Risi ordered.

A thin wiry man in a ibo apuoche outfit and a matching red cap marched briskly forward in spite on tapping his walking stick on the floor with each step. Behind him, a fair young lady walked with the same gait he had. When they got to the front, he shook his walking stick at Baba Risi in greeting.

“Na this girl be Chamberleen,”  Baba Risi asked.

“Ah, no o, this is my daughter Akudo, pride of the Isiukuato community here in Lagos. She has finished OND from Yaba Tech and is working in one of the big banks on the Island, wearing fine fine suit everyday as she leaves the house.”

“Ogbeni, she for no wear any cloth commot for house,” Baba Risi responded and the courtroom peeled with laughter. “Abeg where is this Chamber abi room?”

“Don’t mind the useless boy, that is how he will be behaving irresponsibly and keeping important personalities waiting for his breadfruit sized head.”

From the back of the courtroom, a voice responded “at least it is only my personal head that is big. You that come from a village that is called Three Big Heads, wetin you go come do?” the whole courtroom burst into laughter, as it dawned on the Ibo speaking ones what IsiUkuAto meant and they set about explaining it to those who were sitting around them. With each explanation, the laughter increased sporadically.

Then when Chamberlain got to the front, even more intense laughter erupted. You see, there are heads, there are big heads and then, there is Chamberlain’s head, all in a class of its own. It was so big it looked like it would fall off the tiny neck if he walked too fast. So he took his time to move slowly, as if with this knowledge. Baba Risi had to control himself and not join the rest of the courtroom in laughter for what he was about to say next.

“Ogbeni Chamber, so you think you can have a case in my court and come when you like abi? For that nonsense, this court dey fine you three thousand for late coming.”

Before Chamberlain could muster any protests, Rosco and another boy were by his side and they had frisked him. But all they got out of his pockets and wallet were faded ten and twenty naira notes, all amounting to seventy naira.

“See this one o, na wetin dey him pocket be this,” he waved the notes in the air. Again, the whole court reeled with laughter.

“Rosco, if he no get the money here, after we don give judgment, follow am go collect am.” Baba Risi said.

Rosco looked menacingly at Chamberlain and then went back to the door. Chamberlain was not even flustered. In his mind, he said “na today?”

“So, make una state una case o,” Baba Risi said.

“This stupid boy, na him come dey talk to my daughter. He said he wanted to marry her. He drive big car come. He was behaving like a good boy then. Then we began to talk the marriage seriously. I called the whole family, his family was involved. Plans were already on the way for the wedding, this boy suddenly said he was not marrying again. After I had chased many potential suitors away because of his big head. He must marry o, he must marry. We want this court to force him to finish what he has started.”

“By force, By fire!” Akudo said from beside her father to emphasize his point.

“Since you have said your own, let Chamber talk now too,” Baba Risi said.

“Thank you o. I like this girl o, and she like me. But see en, they greedy well well, this her family. I say I wan marry, na him dem go bring list. My people, na the list make me run o, before them run me down finally.” Chamberlain said.

“An an, but list na normal thing when person wan marry now. Why you sef say you wan marry when you never man enough to carry the load?” Baba Risi asked.

“Tell him o. The small dog who has a big name.” Maazi chipped in.

“Ah, my oga, there are lists and there are LISTS!  These people wan open office, build community and finish wetin government no do for them for my head ni o.” Chamberlain responded, ignoring Maazi’s taunt.

In his unhurried manner, he retrieved a piece of paper from his pocket and unfurled it. When it was fully unfolded, it was about the length of a foolscap sheet. He handed it over to Baba Risi and then said “abeg, read this list out for the whole courtroom to hear.”

Baba Risi was happy. Unlike most of these his boys, he had finished secondary school so he could read. He imagined the embarrassment he would have gone through now if he had been unable to read. The writing on the paper was a neat scrawl and he began to read slowly.

“One suitcase of wrapper material for each of the wives in the family” Baba Risi said.

“There are twenty wives in the family,” Chamberlain interjected.

An ooh ran through the crowd.

“One hundred tubers of yam, Ten twenty litter gallons of oil, one big he goat for each of the sisters of the bride’s father. How many sisters he get?”

“Maazi here has six sisters,” Chamberlain again clarified.

The murmurs continued in the crowd.

“two boxes of pants and bra.” Baba Risi could not help himself. He burst out laughing. “Wetin be this one? Anyway, make I continue. Five sets of fine china plate set. Twenty cartons of peak milk. Hundred cartons of Indomie Noodles. Five hampers with assorted drinks and provisions. Repainting of the bride’s father’s house. Repainting of the community center…”

By now, the whole courtroom had erupted with comments flying from everywhere. Even Baba Risi had to stop here and turned to Maazi

“which kind of list be this Maazi? You wan kill the Chamber ni?”

Maazi was unfazed “if he wants to marry the daughter of a titled man, who has done OND complete, he must be man enough to handle this small thing.”

“Ahhhh, if she come get PHD like my friend Ngozi Okonjon Iweala wey I go follow debate soon nko?” Baba Risi asked.

“For that one, he would have had to build a new community center. PHD no be joke now,” Maazi responded.

“Laakuli. Maazi, wetin dey your own list when you marry this girl mama?”

Chamberlain waved another piece of old, worn paper in the air. “Akudo got me the list. Abeg read am out my Oga,” he said as he handed it over to Baba Risi.

“Three tubers of yam. Two kegs of palmwine. Kolanut. Bitter Kola. Three Wrappers. Assorted fruits. Dazall!” Baba Risi said.

Someone from the crowd shouted “and you wan kill person now. Banza barawo. Marry ko, marry ni.”

“With this kain list, Maazi, na you go marry your daughter. Abeg, case dismissed jor.”

Maazi and Akudo tried to protest but they were briskly hustled away from the front of the courtroom. Before Chamberlain left the front, he reached into his pocket, riffled through for a while and then produced three folded one thousand naira notes. He waved it above his head for the whole room to see and then handed it over to Baba Risi “na my late coming fine be that.”

Then he slowly walked past Rosco on his way out and winked, saying quietly “the more you look, the less you see.”

Rekiya’s Tale – Episode 5

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Thanks to everyone that called, tweeted, bbm-ed and all on my bday on Friday. God bless. Enjoy today’s episode

Rekiya Seyi

It’s never wise to try to catch two monkeys simultaneously. You end up losing them both. That is, except one monkey is catching the other for you and that one willingly comes back to you to be caught.

When I got home that evening, Fafa had poured us drinks and was waiting in my favorite night robe.

“So inside all the things to wear in this house, it is the one I love the best and would have been coming home to wear myself that you chose abi?” I asked.

“How else will you know I’m here if I don’t?” she retorted. “Now, sit down and take the whole of this glass before I start telling you anything. Trust me, you’re gonna need it.”

Slowly, I let myself into the couch beside her and then gulped down the liquid. It was some concentrated Vodka mix that Fafa never told me what else was inside. It shot like a mini fire down my throat but, yes, it did calm my nerves a little.

“Now that I’m through with whatever poison you mixed, shall I hear this your interesting tale before the poison begins to take effect?” I asked.

“Won’t you change into…” she responded.

“Madam, if you don’t start talking now, just know you’re in my house. I have a secret torture chamber that you’ve never seen.”

She managed to laugh and then began

“Well, there’s a bbm group I belong to, called London Matters, and it’s basically babes like me that travel a lot that are in it. I thought, if Ochuko was married to some big girl in the UK, someone there might know him. And I was right, because someone recognized him the moment I put his picture in the group.”

“Oh no you didn’t!” I screamed.

“Well, shebi I told you I would snoop around. Anyway, someone on the group knew him, so I added her on bb and then asked her a couple of questions. I should let you read the chat yourself.”

She handed me her phone and I quickly scanned through the conversation. My mouth opened in disbelief as I went over the chat slower a second time. It was interlaced with several pictures to emphasize the points that the lady was making to Fafa.

“Explain this,” was all I said as I handed her the phone.

“Well, I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Ochuko isn’t married, no. However, Joshua Aribiah is. And that’s the name that your Ochuko goes by in the UK. That’s the name he’s married to an Akudo Aribiah under. Those are their pictures together. The bastard is a con man. He’s basically lied to you, lied to his wife, and is probably lying to everyone. Which is his real name? Ochuko? Joshua? Or some other name we don’t even know? Who is he, really?”

“Oh my God! How did I get myself into this? How? I thought I did everything correctly. Waited. Fell in love. Thought I was going to get married to the perfect gentleman. How did the perfect relationship turn to this?” the tears were falling down my face freely now.

Fafa moved over and hugged me tight “don’t blame yourself for this dear. Anyone could have fallen for this. Anyone. But we shouldn’t wallow in self pity. There’s a plan, dear, the plan. He has messed with the wrong woman this time.”

“So should we report his 419ing ass to the authorities? Not on this side of the Atlantic o, he’ll just get away.” I asked.

“Noooo, that’s not the first step. Patience, my dear, patience.” Farida responded. “For this kind of thing, you take your time, one step at a time.”

My phone rang. It was a welcome diversion at that time, to take my mind away from the news I had just heard, even if it was briefly.

“Duke, how are you? Is anything the problem?” I asked in my madam voice, trying to mask my tears.

“I thought I should inform you that MD has called Somto and I separately since you left, and he’s been more interested in how you were acting, if you were angry and stuff like that. I thought it was strange, but I told him that you left early and I also mentioned that you lost your phone yesterday at Radisson Blu and I helped you buy a new one. That strangely seemed to make him happy.”

The fool, of course he would be happy. He would think his secret was safe.

“Is that all he asked?” I said.

“Unfortunately no. While I was tactful, Somto was not as skilled at knowing what to say and what not to. She mentioned the incident where you cried and why it happened to the boss. I thought it was a stupid thing for her to do.”

I thought it was a stupid thing for her to do to, but I did not tell Duke.

“Thanks a lot Duke, I guess he was just concerned after seeing all my missed calls.”

“Well, if he had just called you, he would have found out why you were calling. It’s strange that he chose to be snooping around your back.” Duke responded.

“It’s a bit queer to me too. I’ll call him again now. Thanks again for the heads up. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I hung up and turned to Farida.

“My MD now knows that my phone was lost and his secret is safe. And what’s good, I didn’t have to tell him,” I said with a smile.

“Hmmm, now that’s good,” Farida responded.

“So what next?” I asked.

“You won’t like it, so let me move away from you small,” Farida said as she went to the fridge to mix us another drink. When she returned, she still sat close to me and continued

“You have to go back to Ochuko and tell him you’ve accepted his proposal. You’re in love, true love and can’t live without him. You’ll settle for some part of him rather than none of him. And you have to be convincing in your act as the love struck forlorn lover.”

“Ewwwwww, that’s absolutely disgusting!” I shouted. My tummy turned at the thought. Me, begging that bastard to be with me? That would be the lowest of lows.

“I know jor, but there’s a reason. There’s something else my friend said about him. You were so carried away by the multiple identity gist that you missed it. So I’ll spell it out for you.”

I reached for her phone and reopened the chat to see what I had missed. Farida continued

“He’s also known to run a serious scamming operation. Not the nonsense new yahoo yahoo that boys do. Real, old school big bucks 419 like the old boys do. And can you guess who his current target is?”

“Errrm, it isn’t me, I don’t have the kind of money he currently has or needs.” I responded.

“Ode, you are the target of only young Unilag boys, not seasoned 419ers. His friend and cohort, your oga is his mark. And sorry darling, his relationship and bet was probably just to seal and move their friendship and trust beyond business as men usually do. So, are you beginning to think what I’m thinking?”

The way her mind was working was becoming clearer to me, but to be on the safe side, I asked her to spell it out for me. And when she did, I was glad I had this witch by my side. That night, for the first time in a very long time, Fafa and I got drunk together and passed out on my couch.

Fafa is an experienced drunkard. While I was still sleeping and reveling in my hangover, she was up, made me breakfast and then woke/dragged me up from bed to get ready for work.

“Your boss’ fears are calmed. He will come to work today. Blow him out of the water. In fact, go and confide in him, like a big brother. It will clear all doubts in his mind.”

“Okay dear. You, laze around in my house. Just make sure there’s food and not alcohol waiting when I come back today o.”

We laughed, said our goodbyes and then I was on my way.

I spotted my MD’s car in the parking lot as I pulled in. He had turned in early today, perhaps to cover up for his absence from work yesterday.

I gingerly walked in. It was then I realized that in spite of Fafa’s best efforts, I had still gotten to work an hour late. My assistants were still tense, but within minutes, I had eased up their tension and we were laughing as we normally did. I powered my system up, signed in and waited for the computer to load all my personal settings. Because I left early yesterday, I would have many emails hanging, so I launched my email and once mails started dropping, I strolled into my MD’s office.

“Runaway, you have finally been released by your girlfriend that camped you yesterday abi?” I decided to open with a standard joke between us. Everytime he went AWOL like that, it was usually some escapade with some coded babe (though on those occasions I would still be able to reach him sha). He laughed, and I noticed that it was slightly uneasy.

“It’s only you that knows this truth, so swear you will take it to the grave,” he said with mock seriousness.

“I know many crazier secrets about you sir. You can be sure this one will be safe.” I responded, crossing my heart dramatically.

His eyes narrowed as I said the word “secrets”. I was enjoying toying with him but Fafa’s words rang in my ears. Make him feel easy, she had said.

“I had to leave early yesterday. Lost my phone on…” I began.

“I heard that on the office grapevine,” he responded.

“Make that Duke. He is the grapevine.” I said with a knowing smile. He laughed again, this time easier. Everyone knew Duke’s weakness.

“So since you have heard about the phone, I’m sure you have also heard about the drama I acted abi. I’m ashamed of myself,” I said, looking down at my feet.

My MD left his seat and was by my side in an instant.

I formed struggling to fight tears back for a few moments and then I simply said “Ochuko is leaving me because, you were right, I am pregnant.”

“Leaving you? But he should be happy you’re having his baby,” he said.

“Well, he says he married someone for papers in the UK and doesn’t want complications. He wants me to take this baby out…”

Over the next twenty minutes, I played the part of the distressed and confused damsel, while my boss was the big brother. By the time I was leaving, that indiscreet bb message was the last thing on his mind. And oh, the company picked the bill for my new phone.

“Duke,” I said as I entered my own office space “go and help me get one of these IT guys to configure my phone. I didn’t get around to doing it yesterday.”

The moment he left, I walked over to Somto’s desk, pulled a chair and sat by her. “Now that we’re alone, let me warn you and you better listen real good. If it ever comes back to me that you are discussing my personal business with the MD again, I will crush you.” I squeezed a piece of paper from her table for effect, then smiled and threw it into the bin. She was clearly shaken. I needed her to be afraid. I didn’t want to be watching my back over the next few weeks. Things were about to begin.

Back at my desk, I fiddled with my landline for a bit. This was going to be a bitter pill to swallow, but do it, I would.

I picked up the phone and dialed Ochuko from memory.

“Hello,” his rich voice filled my head.

“Hello. We need to talk. 6PM, The Pent House. I’ve ordered dinner already. Don’t be late.”

Then I hung up.

By the time I went into my MD’s office unannounced, he was receiving a call that he abruptly tried to end. I smiled. Assure him for me, I said inside. This was going to be fun.


Rekiya’s Tale – Episode 4

So Rekiya’s Tale is a month old today. Enjoy the fourth Episode.

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Rekiya 1

It takes only a little nudge to trigger the creatively evil side in most of us and as I sat there, thinking a million evil thoughts, I knew the correct course of action. So first, I dialed my friend, Farida. We grew up together, but Farida and I were as different as light and dark. I was the plain girl, where she was the hot omalicha nwa. While I worked and made my money myself, Farida had a string of men she called her “bankers” who all worshipped at her feet and with their combined “banking services” made sure she lived an even more luxurious life than I did. If we entered a place and there were ten toasters available, she would get 9.5 (yes, even the one I got would still be eyeing her small small) of them most of the time. In fact, I used to test the seriousness of toasters at one point by simply introducing them to her and seeing if they would switch their attentions to her or not. Of course, they ended up as chasers of two rats – they caught none. In spite of these differences, we were closer than most people thought we were.

“Reks,” she said in her breathy voice “kilonshelz”. Another thing about her – she can take on any role the man she’s with wants. But with me, in spite of her being Fulani, she was her true self, a Yoruba blowing a Lagos girl.

“I’m fucked up babe, real real bad,” I responded.

“What’s the ish?” she asked.

“My thing with Ochuko was merely a bet between him and my boss. I just found that out now,” I responded. I went on to narrate the whole preggy for Ochuko and daddy’s abortion drama saga in lucid detail to her.

She listened quietly and waited for me to finish.

“Are you done?” she asked after I paused.

“Yes now. I called you right after I read my oga’s message.”

“Okay, good. You are going to ditch this your BB. Shebi Q10 kuku just came out, so get that our SLOT guy to bring one to your office today. And be dramatic about the whole matter.”

“And why exactly would I be throwing away a BB in perfect working order?” I asked.

“Because you did not read the message, simple” she responded

“Okay, Fafa, I know I’m slow, but I just called you to tell you I read the message. As in my two big eyes actually viewed the message and it has changed to R already. So explain this to me, in plain olodo nice and slow English.”

“You are just a cow,” she said laughing.

“Madam, compare the size of our chests. The one who is the cow between us should be fairly obvious,” I retorted and we both laughed. If anyone could get me laughing, it was Fafa.

“You are just an ode child, you this girl. Anyway, here’s the plan to give us time to think of how we will deal with those two. He would have realized his mistake now, and will be expecting you to confront him and throw a tantrum. And I know you, that’s just what you will go and do.”

“Of course. He needs to explain to me why he would do this to me. I trusted and respected him very much, you know? He was like my elder bro and stuck with him through thick and thin, good and bad in this company. It was I who believed when most others didn’t.”

“Well, let’s do it my way this time, Reks. We’ll make him walk on needles. Don’t say anything about the message. In fact, go about your job like nothing is wrong, like you could not be bothered about the ish with Ochuko. It will kill him. His mind will race up and down, racked with guilt, wondering what you’re planning.”

“Okay, I get the bit of not confronting him et al. But it still doesn’t explain me dishing out 110K to buy a new BB when this my Bold 5 is still working well.”

“Madam, first, I wan make you upgrade. An an, with all the money you have, you are still clinging to that your Bold 5 and falling my hand all over this Lagos. But seriously, here’s why. When he can’t take it no more, he will ask you about it. You’ll just smile a dainty doll-faced smile…”

Abegi, unlike you, some of us cannot pull off the doll faced thingy convincingly,” I interrupted.

“Gerrout and listen jo. You’ll smile your wowo smile and tell him ‘oh, I didn’t get it oh. My phone was stolen yesterday and I just got a new one today. I’ve been trying to restore my contacts but it seems there’s an issue with that. You can then add him there and then. He won’t believe his good fortune and feel safe after his jabo-ing. We’ll then plan whatever we want to do while he feels safe.”

“But you know you are witch abi?” I said, smiling and loving her plan.

“Na to protect you I join the coven,” she retorted.

“Okay, and Ochuko nko? What do we do with him?” I asked

“That one en, we need to see face to face to discuss that one’s matter. Shebi he is the tree climber abi? Only monkeys climb trees o, and we will give him appropriate monkey treatment.”

In spite of myself, I couldn’t help laughing like a fool at work. This Farida girl is just a bad influence. Okay, bad influence in a good way.

“Okay, when are we seeing to hear this your monkeylization plan o?”

“Been looking for an excuse to leave this my house sef, so I’ll come and sleep over at yours today. And since I know you won’t have anything to drink in that your house, I’ll be bringing my own drinks. Just make sure there’s food,” she responded.

“You will soon become a whale, and your smile will become ugly like my own.”

We both laughed again and I rounded off the conversation. We had said goodbye and I had almost cut the call off when she added as an afterthought “and madam, if you touch my goddaughter, I will murder you too. I have a name for her already. Zara baby.” Then she cut the call off.

The laughter and conversation with Farida was good for me, I really really needed it. People had already begun to arrive from work and my suspenders wearing assistant, Duke came in to greet me. Sometimes, I wondered how his little man was able to breathe inside his extra skinny jeans and pants. Add his shiny patent leather shoes, multi-colored socks, nerd glasses and neat afro and you can imagine how errrr interesting he always looked. Though he was about my age, he was like the younger brother I didn’t have. Somto, my other assistant, had once told me that his real name was Ndukwe, but that he had modified the name to suit his new Lagos bobo status after he came in from Enugu. This bit, he kept as a closely guarded secret and I pretended I didn’t know.

“Morning ma’am,” he said with a proper English bow.

“Duke, how are you?” I responded.

“Very well, thank you,” he said, fiddling with his suspenders.

Just then, I had a thought. Why wait for something I could go and get.

“Duke, I need you to do something for me urgently.”

As a response he came closer and fiddled with his glasses.

“Go to SLOT and buy me a Q10 sharply. I lost my phone yesterday at Radison Blu and it feels like I’ve lost an arm and a leg and the delivery guy is telling me long stories, so just come and go for me,” I said.

“I know that feeling right? If I had to go to an island and could pick only three things, my BB would sure be one of them,” he responded.

“I’ll transfer money to your account now; you can pay with your POS when you get there.”

I watched him walk out of the door, knowing that the Duke’s one other weakness would cause the whole office to hear a well embellished tale about my lost phone without me being the source of the story. As I became alone in my office again, the sadness began to come over me again. For all my scheming with Farida, there was a baby growing inside me, and it was Ochuko’s. I wanted to keep the child, but the one man whose support would have made Ochuko’s nonsense of no effect was staunchly against the idea.

Thankfully, Somto arrived just then and provided a distraction until her partner returned with my new phone. The moment he came back and she saw what he was carrying, she began to tease him

“Somebody has gone to use all his salary to buy phone to be forming avant-garde. Sha don’t come and be looking for loan at midmonth o, we will not give you.”

Duke scowled at her and turned his nose up in the air before responding “you can jump for Africa. While I take an exception to your insinuation that I will be unable to afford this phone, let me correct your erroneous impression.” Then dramatically holding the phone up and waving it around, he continued “this is the result of Rekiya’s unfortunate loss yesterday. She’s replacing the phone she lost yesterday. I merely facilitated the process of procuring it.”

Rolling my eyes, I snatched my phone from him before his waving around spoilt it “Ochuko, shay it’s ordinary to say the phone is mine that you gave that Yes We Can speech?”

The two of them burst out into uncontrollable laughter. I was confused “I know what I said is funny, but it is not that funny now. Abi, am I missing something ni?”

Amidst fits of laughter, Somto responded “Madam, I go love oooo. See you looking at this skinny lizard,” she pointed at Duke “and calling him Ochuko. Love don turn everything wey you see to Ochuko abi?”

Their laughter stopped when they saw the tears that began trickling from my eyes. I was unconscious of them but seemed unable to stop them from flowing. Duke was over at my side in an instant “did we say something wrong? What’s the problem ma’am?”

“It’s nothing,” I said, quickly dabbing the tears from my face and smearing my makeup in the process.

Somto tried to say something but I looked at them and fiercely said “I said it is nothing!”

They both quickly beat a hasty retreat to their corners of the room while I went quietly redid my makeup at my desk. See, when your boss does some things you can’t understand sometimes, they’re just being human. Dem no dey craze.

You know the way you anticipate something and prepare for it and wait for it, and then that thing simply does not happen? That’s what happened to me that day. My boss did not show up at work. I had planned how I would be all sweet and all, while allowing the needles prick his conscience, and then he refused to show up.

I was not taking it though. By noon, I put a call through to him using my landline. The call rang out. Then I called him with my mobile, and he still didn’t pick the call. It was clear he was avoiding talking to me. I considered sending him a text saying I had lost my phone and all, but then on a second thought I decided to let him stew. The reason he hadn’t showed up was that he didn’t have the nerve to face me just yet. Let him be afraid when he saw my calls.

Around two in the afternoon, Fafa called.

“Babe, can you leave the office now now?” she said excitedly.

I had been considering closing early anyway, since my boss didn’t show up so I said “yes.”

“Well, get your ass here, I have very hot gist for you.”

“Babe, I don’t have witch like you, so I can’t know where you are by a phone call.” I responded.

“Monkey, I don reach your house,” she retorted.

“Okay, oya hint me on this gist.” I asked.

“You sure you want to hear it over the phone? The thirty minutes it will take you to get home won’t kill you o,” she responded.

“Madam, will you tell me now or you want me to practice my kung fu on you?”

“Well, if you insist, here it goes. Ochuko is not married to anyone.”

“I’ll be with you in twenty minutes,” I said and cut the call off.

Baba Risi’s Court – Q10

Alright, by popular demand, especially from Nelly on my BB and @Ameikpe on twitter, here’s another episode of the ebullient Baba Risi’s Court.


BB Q10

After the whole courtroom sat enjoying the bread and tea Musa had served, the clerk called the court to order. “The next case is from Mr. Kamson.”

With that, Kamson stepped forward. There was nothing remarkable about his appearance except for his shiny bald head, and Baba Risi braced himself for another boring case.

The clerk continued to read the case “Mr. Kamson here says that his phone was stolen and wants this court to help him get the phone back.”

“Mr. Kamson, shay you know wetin this court dey charge for search and rescue operation like this one?” Baba Risi asked.

“Yes sir,” Kamson responded with a slight accent.

“Good. Which area and which time dem collect the phone?” Baba Risi questioned further.

“Near car park, like 1PM today” Kamson responded.

“Rosco!” Baba Risi hollered and he came running from the door area.

“Baba, your boy is loyal,” he said, throwing two hands in the air.

“Which of these boys dey work for afternoon shift for motor park area for today?” Baba Risi queried

“Baba, na Blood Tonic dey that side today,” Rosco responded.

“Oya, call am say make he report for here in the next five minutes with all the phones things wey he harvest today.”

Rosco immediately made the call and informed Baba Risi that Blood Tonic would arrive two minutes later as he was in the vicinity.

“Oga Kamson, abeg which kain phone be your own sef?” Baba Risi asked.

“Cos I like high tech, my phone is the latest in town, BBQ10. Less than one week. Those boys are mean men,” he again said with his Americana accent.

“Okay now,” Baba Risi said, sipping on his tea.

Moments later, a very light skinned guy with a thick scar across the right side of his head and many smaller ones all over his exposed arms entered the courtroom. He had a knapsack on his back and he went straight to the front of the room and first greeted Rosco before going to salute Baba Risi, stomping one foot on the ground and saying “twale baba. Your boys are forever loyal, Blood Tonic reporting for duty!”

“Ogun Eje, wey blood no dey fear, mo recognize presence e!” Baba Risi hailed back. Blood Tonic was one of the senior agberos and so Baba Risi acknowledged him. During the war for supremacy during Baba Risi’s rise, Blood Tonic had been one of the key lieutenants that helped him win, and the scar on his head was from that war. He had been rewarded with running the afternoon rush hour stealing racket in the busy motor park.

“Wetin happen be say, dem collect this man phone when for your boys shift today, and as he don come here, you know as e dey go,” Baba Risi said.

Blood Tonic nodded and then asked “which kain phone e be?”

“Na BB, that latest one, wetin dem dey call am again sef?”

“Baba na Q10,” Rosco volounteered.

“Na the name be that,” Baba Risi said.

“Wetin be your phone number,” Blood Tonic asked Kamson.

“08035216540” he responded and the clerk noted it down

Blood Tonic quietly set his sack down and then emptied its contents on the floor. There were at least a fifty phones in the head and he signaled Kamson “oga, oya point your phone give us.”

Kamson stepped forward and looked through the phones on the floor. He went to a white Q10 in the head and picked it.

“This is my phone” he said, presenting it to Baba Risi.

“Oya, on the phone.” Blood Tonic ordered Kamson.

Kamson struggled with the phone for like a minute, trying to turn it on, until it was obvious to everyone that he had never handle a Q10 before in his life.

“Oga Americana, you don’t know how to turns on your phone again ni?” Blood Tonic asked mockingly.

“You heediot thief that should be h-arrested. You h-are h-attempting to mock me while h-emphasizing your hes” Kamson responded, his accent was gone now, replaced by a chronic h factor.

Blood Tonic laughed derogatively and took the phone from Kamson and then facing the courtroom so Kamson would not see what he was doing, he simply pressed the power button at the top of the phone and then powered it on. As if to emphasize his point, he handed the phone over to Kamson and said “oya, off the phone.”

Again, Kamson fiddled with the phone without any success and the whole courtroom joined Blood Tonic in laughing at him.

Blood Tonic then picked one china phone and turned it on. He then asked one of the spectators for their phone number and that one came forward with her phone.

The moment he dialed that number from the china phone, the lady’s phone rang.

“Oya, read the number wey dey call you out,” Blood Tonic ordered.

“Zero Eight Zero Tiri Two One Sis Five Four Zero” the woman read out, before the call was cut off.

“Haaaaa,” Baba Risi shouted “oju ole re! So you come lie to this court Kamson abi Kamorudeen! Lie and thief, wetin be the difference o, my people? Okay now, na my judgment be this. First, you must pay the correct fee for this wahala to this court. Na ten percent of the cost of the phone be the fee, so that na twelve thousand, since you say your phone na Q10. Blood Tonic, how mush you dey sell this Q10?”

“Baba, na 70K we dey sell am,” Blood Tonic answered.

“Correct, Mr. Kamson, since I be fair man, we go give you your phone back. But as you like Q10 like that, you must to buy this Q10 from Blood Tonic. Him know as he go collect him money for your hand!”

“Haaaaa, have mercy now,” Kamson said, falling on his knees.

That musician in Baba Risi’s court raised another Fela song

“You be thief,” and the people responded “I no be thief”

You be robber

I no be robber…

Blood Tonic hustled Kamson out of the court room amidst the singing.