Baba Risi’s Court – Obress

Right, so I wrote another installment of Baba Risi’s Court, (see first one here It’s nothing serious or regular, but writing it gets me laughing. Hope it does same to you reading it.


Baba Risi New

Baba Risi rubbed his hands as he entered his courtroom. Today was going to be a good day. The case they were bringing to him today had drawn a huge crowd, and Rosco had collected entrance fees from the people in attendance. Rosco no dey dull at all. Sitting fees, for those who wanted to sit on the white plastic chairs was Fifty Naira per head, and those who stood had to part with Twenty Naira before Rosco and the boys allowed them in.

He took his time to greet the people as he made his way to the front, shaking them and waving his hands like a politician on victory parade amongst his supporters. As soon as he got to the front in his flowing white kaftan, the clerk’s shout of order, order brought quiet into the courtroom. He saw DPO Jang sitting in front, the man had come to enjoy the spectacle of the court. Baba Risi shook his head at the irony.

“Oya, clerk, call the case sharp sharp, make we start this matter,” he said.

The clerk sprang up and shouted at the top of his voice “na Mama Fana say Bros Obress, respect, give him pikin, Fana, wey dey SS2 belle.”

At this, shouts of Obress baba, Obress baba rent the air from one side of the courtroom occupied by some fierce looking boys.

The clerk shouted Order! Order!, but to no avail. The shouting went on, until Baba Risi stood to his feet. Immediately, they all went silent. He reached under his kaftan and brought out a twisty looking leather object, with cowries and feathers attached to it. “If I hear kpim from you those boys again, I go test this thing for your body. I don forget the antidote, so if you like, try yourself.” Then he sat down and said in a loud voice “Oya, where the people wey bring case, make two of una come outside here.”

With that, a woman in a kaftan that used to be top range fashion years back stepped forward from the second row, with a girl who looked like her in tow. The girl wore a school type pinafore, but even that couldn’t hide her ample bosom and well rounded buttocks. In that, she took after her mum, who in spite of the free flowing kaftan she was wearing, still managed to wiggle her buttocks with each step she took. The daughter’s wiggle was yet there, after all, the mum had years of practice. Different whistles emanated from the spectators as mother and daughter made their way to the front.

“Mama Fana, welcome,” Baba Risi said, smiling lasciviously.

She eyed him and went to one side.

From the midst of the previously noisy boys, a guy in a “my money grows like grass” t-shirt and matching patched jeans. He was obviously popular with the boys in the area, as shouts of Obress! Swagger! Omo Aiye! rent the air as he went to the front. He went briskly though, which was out of character for him. the fear of the object on Baba Risi’s table propelled him forward faster than usual.

“So, Mama Fana, you say your pikin get belle for Obress and he no wan gree say na him get belle?”

“This useless old man wey no wan gree say he don old, he trick my innocent daughter, give am belle and now he no wan responsible for wetin he do.”

“Innocent my left yansh,” Obress said, and laughter peeled through the room.

“But nobody know say them dey friend before she get belle?” Baba Risi quizzed. Everyone knew how strict Mama Fana was with her daughter. She even escorted the girl to the bathroom and toilet, and stood guard outside until the girl finished. If any girl should not get pregnant, it was Fana.

Ngbo, Fana, oya, use your mouth talk, make we hear. Who give you belle?” he asked the shy girl.

“Na broad Obress, na him get am,” Fana spoke, pointing at Obress. She spoke more strongly than he would have expected. Obviously, she had been well schooled by her mum. Mama Fana was a woman who had once been beautiful and the toast of many men, but had bleached and now, she didn’t have any customers. No one knew Fana’s father. Obress on the other hand, was a popular yahoo boy, who had just come into money. Baba Risi knew it was possible the scheming Mama Fana just wanted to get some money out of Obress.

“Una get doctor’s report of the belle? From private hospital o, no be those ones wey una fit go buy for government hospital,” Baba Risi asked. There was laughter in the courtroom.

Mama Fana produced a folded piece of paper and handed it over to the clerk who first carefully unfolded it, blew into it to make sure there was no powder in it (juju things) before handing it over to Baba Risi.

“She get Belle true true!” Baba Risi announced, as if it was his announcement that confirmed it.

“Obress, na you get this belle?” Baba Risi asked, matter-of- factly.

“Baba, no be me o, how I wan take do the girl now? Who no know the kain close marking wey the mama dey give am? Even if she wan baff, even when she wan toilet, the mama go dey. She go escort am reach school gate, and carry am from there. Baba, no be me o, make the mama talk wetin she want.”

“Na true o, how e wan take do am? Mama Fana, na as Obress talk e be o, except he turn spirit, he no fit see chance nack your daughter.”

Mama Fana wanted to say something but was clearly at a loss, because she knew they were correct. Obress smiled and impish smile and the courtroom began to get noisy again, from Obress’ cohorts.

Baba Risi prepared to make his judgment, when Fana stepped forward from behind her mother. The moment she did, Obress’ eyes went wild.

“So you wan lie abi?” she asked him angrily.

“Abeg free me, go find who you go collect money from for front. Now wey I don hammer, you wan obtain me abi?”

“Baba Risi, make I tell you how me and Broda Obress dey see.” She said, livid.

Obress tried to cut her “Baba, no hear this girl o, she just dey desperate.”

“Sharrap! Make the girl talk!” Baba Risi barked at Obress and he became quiet.

“Make una check him small chain, the one wey dey under him cloth, una go see one key for there,” she said.

Baba Risi signaled and Rosco and three boys pounced on Obress and true to her words, there was a small key dangling on the chain.

“Na the key to the bathroom window be that, the window wey open into the backyard. When I dey baff, my mama go dey front dey watch the door. Broda Obress go use that key open the window, enter and we go do for there, he come pass the window commot again, before I open door. My mama no go know say person don come inside when I commot.”

She was still talking when a hot slap landed on her back. “You this foolish girl, so na wetin you dey do wey you dey tey for bathroom be that,” Mama Fana said, angrily.

The courtroom went into commotion, and the shouts of Order! Order! From the clerk did nothing to restore it. Baba Risi didn’t bother to sue for order for minutes, even he was stunned. If man and woman wan do, dem go find way.

After the noise subsided, Baba Risi delivered his judgment.

“Obress, you be fool, old agbaya, wey try to deceive this court. I know say maga just pay you twenty thousand dollars, shebi you don bring awon boys ten percent. For say you come lie to this court, you go give awon boys another three thousand dollars. That one na first. Secondly, na you get pikin, old papa like you wey give this small pikin belle. The fifteen thousand wey remain for that your money, you go give half to Fana and him Mama, na for the pikin.”

“Ah, Baba, that one no fair now, half loun loun, na my hustle be this now” Obress said imploringly.

“What! You dare to question this court? For that, I don change my sentence. Now, na ten thousand dollars you go give them, you go keep five. Rosco!” he shouted.

Immediately, Rosco and his boys surrounded Obress to lead him away to go and execute the sentence.


25 thoughts on “Baba Risi’s Court – Obress

  1. “Broad Obress” loool short form of Brother Obress!

    Na wa o bathroom window! Mbok ..please how large is the window? Lwkmd! TL nice one…more power!

  2. “Broad Obress” short form of ‘Brother Obress’ loool..

    Na wa o…Bathroom window? Mbok how large is this window? Lwkmd! TL nice one bro….More Power!

  3. Baba Risi judgement na correct one!! *thinking how comfy a face me I slap u bathroom window will be* lwkmd oo nice one TL!

  4. Very very funny,haaaa!!! Broda Obress toh sharp,bathroom window ke!!Fana gan na badt gaaaan oooo,omo kekere ara e.Thanks TL for brightening up my day,I’ll take this as a bribe to keep calm till Monday for another episode of broken mirrors.I miss Oyin Clegg gaaaan ni ooo.I bless d day a friend introduced me to ur blog.Kudos

  5. Oh my oh my!!!!!!!! Waow . I just had a good laugh. But how public compound bathroom window go get key? D door get key?(I went to take a quick look at my bathroom)!!!!!!!!!! Nice one. You are the best.

  6. … ‘If man and woman wan do, them go find way’… Correct yarn. This was such a very funny piece. TL, you are the bomb!

  7. LMAO!!!!! He who comes to equity, must come with clean hands. Apparently, Obress hands too dirty for Baba Risi’s kangaroo court. He should have also been charged for burglary and access without secondary permit at least, im money dey grow like grass. lol.

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